Happy Thanksgiving!

The Punchline wishes everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. No column this week due to the holiday, but for those needing their weekly fix of sports comedy, the Lions-Dolphins game should do the trick. I can't even begin to imagine the hilarious blooper reels that game will provide. At the very least, it'll provide an excuse for avoiding your relatives for three hours (note: only the Lions-Dolphins game will give you the opportunity to completely avoid conversation with family members as nobody else in their right mind would want to watch that particular game. This trick will not work with either the Cowboys or the Chiefs game).

Once again, Happy Thanksgiving!

Instant Messaging the Hate

I don't now if most of you know this or not--it's been kind of under the radar--but the Ohio State-Michigan game is this Saturday. If there's one thing this classic rivalry always lacks, it's getting enough hype as it deserves. Seriously, ESPN, show some more respect by giving Ohio State-Michigan 100% of your attention rather than just 95% of it.

The annual showdown between these two Big Ten powerhouses is considered by experts to be college football's biggest rivalry. I don't know who these "expert" are, but if that's what they say then I guess it has to be true. What I do know is that part of what makes this such a great rivalry is due to the passionate hatred for each other on both sides. To get a first-hand look at this venomous tradition, I intercepted an instant message conversation between two apparent friends who decided to go separate ways for college. What follows is the transcript of that conversation, but I have to warn you: some of the material may be inappropriate for young children to read.

GoBuckI77: Ready for ur annual beat down this weekend?

UMFan007: What r u talking about? We lead the series 57-39-6.

GoBuckI77: How many have u won the past 5 yrs?

UMFan007: If ur going to bring up recent history, why don't u clue me in on how Maurice Clarret is doing now?

GoBuckI77: At least he won us a National Championship in '02. When was your last National Championship, the Ice Age?

UMFan007: '97

GoBuckI77: That was shared. How about ur last outright title?

UMFan007: Shut up. Hey, you know what Michigan and Ohio St. guys have in common?

GoBuckI77: What?

UMFan007: They both know Ohio St. girls are easy.

GoBuckI77: Ur so mature. At least the girls here are attractive. What do you call a Michigan girl whose pretty?

UMFan007: What?

GoBuckI77: An endangered species. Lol.

UMFan007: Dude, that was weak.

GoBuckI77: You mean weak like your defense? I can't believe you guys gave up 26 pts to Ball State!

UMFan007: Not like u guys looked so good against Illinois.

GoBuckI77: At least we can win Rose Bowls. What's the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and a high school band? A high school band knows how to prepare for a Rose Bowl.

UMFan007: Oh yeah. How many Ohio St. students does it take to change a light bulb?

GoBuckI77: How many?

UMFan007: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to ask a Michigan student how to do it.

GoBuckI77: That's pretty good. How many Michigan students does it take to change a lightbulb?

UMFan007: How many?

GoBuckI77: Four. One to stand on the ladder and change it and three to look up her skirt while she's doing it.

UMFan007: I hate you.

GoBuckI77: Hey, where are you sitting for the game?

UMFan007: Why, u gonna come visit me?

GoBuckI77: No, I just wanted to know so I could warn the cheerleaders which direction not to face so they don't have to see your ugly face.

UMFan007: I don't think we can be friends anymore.

GoBuckI77: Anymore?

UMFan007: I hope you burn in hell after the game.

GoBuckI77: I would tell you to do likewise but hell is probably an improvement over Ann Arbor (signs off).

Handing out the J-Li Awards

Last weekend's football action was so scintillating that I have to hand out some awards. This is the first time I've ever given out any awards but I'm sure as time goes on, this will be a much more common occurrence. Since Kirk Herbstreit calls his awards the "herbie", I've decided to name my awards the "J-Li." Here are the award-winners in the initial edition of the J-Li ceremony. Understand that a J-Li is an intangible prize so there won't actually be a trophy or any sort of monetary reward that can be picked up. What the award-winners will receive instead will be incredible pride associated with such a prestigious fake honor. Anyways, without further ado, here's your list of winners:

• J-Li for Genius Coaching: New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Bilicheck for absolutely confusing NFL analysts, sportswriters, and the Indianapolis Colts with his gameplan last Sunday night. Everybody in the country thought New England would run at Indianapolis's defense due to the Colt's inability to stop the run but Belichick threw a curve ball by telling the Patriots to pass, pass, and pass. It takes a true genius to realize that since everyone thought the prudent thing was to run against the Colts, passing would be the way to go because nobody would see it coming. Yes, the Patriots lost the game but how was Belichick supposed to know Tom Brady would throw four interceptions? A genius can only do so much.
• J-Li for Model Citizen: Nobody in football receives more flak than Terrell Owens so it's only fair to reward him when he shows class. And what a classy move he did against the redskins Sunday when, after scoring a touchdown, he dropped to the ground and slept on the football like a pillow. Other players in the NFL treat the football with such disrespect by spiking it after touchdowns. T.O. on the other hand respects the ball so much that he would never think to hurt the football by slinging it to the ground but instead cradles it like a pillow to express his love.
• J-Li for Big Game Quarterback: This award goes to Peyton Manning for silencing all the critics who say he can't win when it matters. That's two straight years he's now beaten New England, and on their home field to boot. What more does Manning have to do in order to prove that he doesn't disappear in the most important games? Do critics need Manning to beat the Bears in the regular season as a final test of his clutchness? That's probably it; they need him to beat the Bears too.
• J-Li for Consistency: Michael Vick wins hands-down for his performance against the Lions. After two weeks of stellar passing peformances, Vick shows the world that he still has what it takes to be an ineffective quarteback. Nobody else in the NFL is so consistent at being wildly unpredictable, which is why Vick is by far the most exciting player in the league.
• J-Li for Comeback Performance: This was a close call, with Joey Harrington and Chad Johnson's insanity both making a solid case. But in the end I decided to give this award to Charlie Weis for not being befuddled anymore by the rankings. You really had me worried Charlie because you're supposed to be a great coach and great coaches shouldn't be befuddled by anything. But now that you've finally figured out why your overrated Notre Dame squad isn't higher in the rankings, I can start believing in all your hype again.
• J-Li for Great Fans: People have been telling me for years how awful human beings maryland fans are, but last Saturday before the game I was sitting in a bar and a Maryland fan bought me a drink. Based on that one act of kindness I'm going to make a sweeping generalization and say that all Maryland fans are wonderful, caring, and generous individuals. Way to go Terrapins fans!
• J-Li for Worst Sales Pitch: Hey, did you see the Raider-Seahawks Monday Night Football game? Probably not since it was the lowest-rated Monday Night Football telecast in history. I blame it on the marketing campaign. ESPN should have advertised it better by using catch phrases like "Raiders-Seahawks: The 2002 Super Bowl Runner-Up vs. the 2005 Super Bowl Runner-Up!" or "Andrew Walters Vs. Seneca Wallace: A once-in-a-lifetime Quarterback match-up."

A Positive Reflection of the Baseball Season

I want to extend my congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for their World Series triumph. What a great story because nobody (even Cardinals fans) thought you could do it except me. In the words of Stephen Colbert, "I called it!". Just go back two issues and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I'd also like to congratulate the city of St. Louis in general. You have much to be proud of because in addition to beating Detroit in World Series, you also beat them for the coveted No.1 spot in the latest annual issue of the World's Most Dangerous Cities (http://www.morganquitno.com/cit07pop.htm#25). As much hard work as it takes to win a World Championship in baseball, it takes even greater work ethic (or lack thereof) to beat out Detroit in criminal activity. And hey, just think: you also have a better football team than Detroit, better rappers named Nelly, and even a better location by virtue of being farther away from Canada. So yeah, St. Louis, you pretty much own Detroit (Cautionary note: If you're a St. Louis Citizen, don't go around bragging about this in Detroit because they might come and burn your city down. That's why I'm doing the bragging for you).

While Cardinals fans are understandably ecstatic, there are plenty of reasons for baseball fans all across the nation to celebrate too. It's been a great year in baseball; in fact I'd say it's been a flawless year in baseball if we ignore all the negative stuff that happened. Why even focus on anything bad? Like Mark McGwire, I just want to be positive. And there are so many positive things to take from this past MLB season like...

• A Clean League: Now that baseball has strict drug-testing policies in place, fans everywhere can rest assured knowing that nobody is using performance-enhancing drugs anymore. Yes, Jason Grimsley claims there are, but he's a liar. He's even lying about his own steroid use because nobody who uses steroids could remain that mediocre. Well, actually there is one steroids user left: Barry Bonds. I just can't give any benefit of the doubt to someone with such a big head, both literally and figuratively.
• No More Labor Dispute: Baseball finally reached a new labor agreement. Like most people, I have no idea what the labor issues were about but I'm chalking this down as a good thing because two sides coming to an agreement is always good. Except for the 1939 Nazi-Soviet Non-Agression Pact: that's an example of a bad agreement.
• No Yankees Title: The New York Yankees failed to win the World Series. In fact, they failed to even get out of the first round of the playoffs, thus proving that 200 million dollars can't buy a world series every year. Since the Yankees are American's most hated sports team that means the majority of baseball fans at least have the comfort that George Steinbrenner is either mad or crying (likely both). For Yankees fans the silver lining is that New Yorkers have finally found a reason to put aside their petty differences and unite for a common goal: booing Alex Rodriguez. So it's a win-win for everyone. Also, the mets lost, making it a win-win-win situation.
• No Red Sox Either: Hear the sound of whiners traveling on bandwagons? Not this year. Ahhhh, beautiful silence.
• New Cubs Manger: For decades now, the Chicago Cubs have been American's favorite loveable losers. Wanting to change that image, the Cubs hired Lou Piniella as their new manager. But don't fret my fellow Americans: Considering how Piniella fared as manager of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, he is a perfect fit to make sure the Cubs don't lose their loveable loser status.
• Hope Floats: Even though they lost, the Detroit Tigers are an inspiration to every downtrodden MLB franchise. Now every horrible team can take solace in knowing that all they need to turn around their fortunes is a good starting rotation, solid bullpen, productive lineup, and Jim Leyland. Not too much to ask, right?
• Comparative Self-Esteem: For all you fans of teams that failed to win the World Series this year, make yourself feel better by thinking: "At least I'm not a Kansas City Royals fan." And if you're a Kansas City Royals fan, make yourself feel better by thinking: "At least baseball season is over.