How to better yourself through sports
Self-improvement is something we all strive for in life (except O.j. Simpson). Each of us know we can become better people or make our lives better if we change certain aspects of our lives or take on new tasks to create meaning in our lives. Even sports fans can apply their obsessive hobby into means for a better existence by following these 10 tips:
1. And then “The Punchline” fired me
To distance yourself as far away as possible from Don Imus, create a voodoo doll in his form and stick pins in it. That should teach the racist punk a lesson. But be careful where you stick the pins: Imus is a really old man so sticking needles in certain parts of his body might accidentally become acupuncture therapy for his arthritis, rheumatism, or general senility.
2. Fantasy baseball pick-me-ups
Despite what you think, your fantasy baseball team sucks. But don’t fret: With just a couple of changes, you can improve your roster so that it can contend with the best of the best. First, ditch your current first baseman for Julio Franco. Sure, RBI’s and Home Runs are great, but good teams have valuable experience on the roster. Franco is so old that he provides three teams’ worth of experience and can calm his teammates down in pressure situations by telling them stories of what it was like to face the British at Bunker Hill. That type of stuff might not earn your fantasy team points but will have an intangible effect that will ultimately put your team over the top.
If you can, try improving your depth chart at shortstop by picking up Cesar Izturis of the Chicago Cubs. His .259 lifetime batting average may seem mediocre, but that just means he’s not taking steroids, which means you won’t have to worry about any investigations that would distract him off the field. And yes, he’s only played a total of 61 games the past three seasons, but remember that he plays for the Cubs, so he’s due for a reversal of fortune.
3. Fantasy baseball No-no’s
On the flip side, consider getting rid of some junk from your roster. Alex Rodriguez is a good player to start with, because while he’ll provide you with great offensive numbers, he’s also a player known for not coming through in the clutch. We all know how important the “clutch factor” is to the scoring system in Fantasy Baseball.
Another player you might want to let go is Daisuke Matsuzaka. Despite all the hype, I’m just not sure about his gyro ball. Apparently, the point of the gyro ball is that it doesn’t move at all. How is that supposed to strike out people?
4. Stay Away from the Arcades
Pac-man Jones was suspended by the NFL for half of next season for his numerous off-field problems. That means Jones will have plenty of free time to terrorize the public. I suggest avoiding Pac-man video games with Jones present because if you beat his high score, he might (will) shoot you.
5. ...And also Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson's Court date for DUI and drug possession has been set in August, which means he's going to be a very angry man until then. I suggest staying at least 5 states away from Tyson just to be on the safe side. Actually, Alaska might be your best bet.
6. Kobe Bryant explosion
Nobody in the NBA, except for Gilbert Arenas, has a bigger chip on his shoulder than Kobe Bryant. If you are out playing some pick-up basketball with your friends and Bryant shows up, your best bet is to run like 50 Cent is chasing you with a gun because Kobe won't hesitate to pour 100 on you guys and then laugh in your face while screaming about Shaq.
7. Let go of Curt Schilling
Shame on you for thinking the accusations about Curt Schilling doctoring his sock to look bloody being true. Sure, Schilling's an attention hog, but he would never stoop that low. And the Red Sox wouldn't want him to stoop that low either because at Schilling's age, any type of stooping could cause a back injury.
8. Avoid Hockey
Be sure to support our troops by making sure not to watch the NHL playoffs. Few things in life show what a proud American you are than refusing to support Canada's pasttime.
9. Going Ape-wild
Verizon Heritage winner Boo Weekley said he once got knocked out by an Orangutan. Talk about the hall of shame. If this ever happens to you, it's best to keep a low profile. One good way to do this is not getting a mullet and not becoming a PGA tour winner.
10. Root against the Yankees
It's becoming harder with each passing year to hate the yankees with fervent passion as they haven't won the world series since 2000, historically choked away a 3-0 lead in the 2004 ALCS to their archrivals, and seem embroiled in dysfunctional relationships between players and staff alike. But remember that these are the New York Yankees, the same Yankees who have plucked the best players from your favorite teams, the same Yankees who own a payroll that exceeds the GDP of small nations, the same Yankees who like to snack on babies in their leisure time. Prevent yourself from crossing over to the dark side by reciting those facts in your head. It is your civic duty to loathe the New York Yankees. None of the other self-improvement tips will help if you are a fan of the bronx bombers.
1. And then “The Punchline” fired me
To distance yourself as far away as possible from Don Imus, create a voodoo doll in his form and stick pins in it. That should teach the racist punk a lesson. But be careful where you stick the pins: Imus is a really old man so sticking needles in certain parts of his body might accidentally become acupuncture therapy for his arthritis, rheumatism, or general senility.
2. Fantasy baseball pick-me-ups
Despite what you think, your fantasy baseball team sucks. But don’t fret: With just a couple of changes, you can improve your roster so that it can contend with the best of the best. First, ditch your current first baseman for Julio Franco. Sure, RBI’s and Home Runs are great, but good teams have valuable experience on the roster. Franco is so old that he provides three teams’ worth of experience and can calm his teammates down in pressure situations by telling them stories of what it was like to face the British at Bunker Hill. That type of stuff might not earn your fantasy team points but will have an intangible effect that will ultimately put your team over the top.
If you can, try improving your depth chart at shortstop by picking up Cesar Izturis of the Chicago Cubs. His .259 lifetime batting average may seem mediocre, but that just means he’s not taking steroids, which means you won’t have to worry about any investigations that would distract him off the field. And yes, he’s only played a total of 61 games the past three seasons, but remember that he plays for the Cubs, so he’s due for a reversal of fortune.
3. Fantasy baseball No-no’s
On the flip side, consider getting rid of some junk from your roster. Alex Rodriguez is a good player to start with, because while he’ll provide you with great offensive numbers, he’s also a player known for not coming through in the clutch. We all know how important the “clutch factor” is to the scoring system in Fantasy Baseball.
Another player you might want to let go is Daisuke Matsuzaka. Despite all the hype, I’m just not sure about his gyro ball. Apparently, the point of the gyro ball is that it doesn’t move at all. How is that supposed to strike out people?
4. Stay Away from the Arcades
Pac-man Jones was suspended by the NFL for half of next season for his numerous off-field problems. That means Jones will have plenty of free time to terrorize the public. I suggest avoiding Pac-man video games with Jones present because if you beat his high score, he might (will) shoot you.
5. ...And also Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson's Court date for DUI and drug possession has been set in August, which means he's going to be a very angry man until then. I suggest staying at least 5 states away from Tyson just to be on the safe side. Actually, Alaska might be your best bet.
6. Kobe Bryant explosion
Nobody in the NBA, except for Gilbert Arenas, has a bigger chip on his shoulder than Kobe Bryant. If you are out playing some pick-up basketball with your friends and Bryant shows up, your best bet is to run like 50 Cent is chasing you with a gun because Kobe won't hesitate to pour 100 on you guys and then laugh in your face while screaming about Shaq.
7. Let go of Curt Schilling
Shame on you for thinking the accusations about Curt Schilling doctoring his sock to look bloody being true. Sure, Schilling's an attention hog, but he would never stoop that low. And the Red Sox wouldn't want him to stoop that low either because at Schilling's age, any type of stooping could cause a back injury.
8. Avoid Hockey
Be sure to support our troops by making sure not to watch the NHL playoffs. Few things in life show what a proud American you are than refusing to support Canada's pasttime.
9. Going Ape-wild
Verizon Heritage winner Boo Weekley said he once got knocked out by an Orangutan. Talk about the hall of shame. If this ever happens to you, it's best to keep a low profile. One good way to do this is not getting a mullet and not becoming a PGA tour winner.
10. Root against the Yankees
It's becoming harder with each passing year to hate the yankees with fervent passion as they haven't won the world series since 2000, historically choked away a 3-0 lead in the 2004 ALCS to their archrivals, and seem embroiled in dysfunctional relationships between players and staff alike. But remember that these are the New York Yankees, the same Yankees who have plucked the best players from your favorite teams, the same Yankees who own a payroll that exceeds the GDP of small nations, the same Yankees who like to snack on babies in their leisure time. Prevent yourself from crossing over to the dark side by reciting those facts in your head. It is your civic duty to loathe the New York Yankees. None of the other self-improvement tips will help if you are a fan of the bronx bombers.
posted by James Li at
11:17 AM
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