Will You Be My Friend Again?

Recently, Alex Rodriguez bemoaned the fact that he and Derek Jeter aren’t the friends they used to be. He claimed “You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over.” So, apparently, A-Rod and Jeter used to be close—real close—to the point that they were having heart-to-heart discussions about their feelings while eating cookies and drinking milk. I know I speak for many when I say that it’s a sad day to see two multi-millionaires unable to navigate the difficulties of life without straining a great relationship. In fact, I’m starting to shed tears over this news, crocodile tears, crocodile tears green with envy, green like the color of all the dollar bills those two players roll around in.

Because I am a caring individual who wants to see people be happy, I am going to lay forward some suggestions on how Rodriguez and Jeter can patch up their differences and start giggling together inside a bed cover once again. While I don’t promise that these proposals will produce positive results, I do promise that they will produce results of some kind. And let me add for reassurance that Donald Trump and Rosie ‘O Donnell took my advice and look how well it worked out for them.




1. The two can share Jessica Biel by agreeing to date her only on odd or even days. I am pretty sure Jessica Biel will have no problem with this arrangement either—but Justin Timberlake might.

2. They both switch to Alltel and enter each other’s “circle”.

3. A-Rod agrees to give a “tangible” portion of his enormous paycheck to Jeter in return for Jeter teaching him the secrets of his “intangible” baseball skills.

4. They can start showering together after games. That may lead to more sleepovers.

5. They can appear in an ad together where they eat at opposite ends of the same Snickers bar until their lips touch. Afterwards, they will want to rip their chest hair out, but since neither have any, they will just have to accept the fact that they have accidentally kissed and must now make up.

6. Go to Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to ask for advice on how to repair a broken friendship.

7. Jeter agrees to actually stick up for A-Rod once in a while in the media as long as A-Rod consents to curing his sensitive psyche by going to Ozzie Guillen for de-sensitivity training.

8. Jeter finally sees eye-to-eye with A-Rod and declares that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is a better movie than Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

9. The two side with George Steinbrenner and realize that no matter what hardships occur during the baseball season, it is definitely Joe Torre’s fault.

10. A-Rod wants Jeter to stop hitting him so hard during their pillow fights.

11. Jeter requests that A-Rod stop using so much perfume because it completely overpowers the odor of Jeter’s cologne during batting practice.

12. Both suddenly receive the epiphany that things could always be worse: they could be playing for the Kansas City Royals.

13. At the next World Baseball Classic, they agree to both hold out until the last minute over which country they will represent in the tournament.

14. They will use Barry Bonds and Mark Sweeney as a model for how a perfect friendship should be like

15. They seek marriage counseling.

The World’s Best Super Bowl Preview

Now that we have all the pretenders out of the way, let the REAL event begin: Super Bowl commercials! Complementing all those great commercials will be a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears (Da Bears). If you are ignorant about this game, and want to know more, then just turn on ESPN this week and you will soon become an expert about every member of the Colts and Bears. By the end of the week, you can probably impress your friends by spitting out facts about every players’ or coaches’ greatest fears, first kisses, most recent arrests, etc. This will make you really cool too and get you lots of dates. Coming from me, you know it’s got to be true.

But most people, unlike me, have a life and don’t have time to sit through hours on hours of Super Bowl coverage. So as a public service, I’m going to highlight all the plotlines that make Super Bowl XLI (Extra Large Intestines) the most interesting Super Bowl ever, in terms of hype.

1. Peyton Manning—Can he finally win the Big One? For years, the critics have lashed out at Manning for being a statistical god in the regular season but always falling short in the postseason. But now that he’s finally made it to the Super Bowl, Manning can relax knowing that one more victory will stop all the Dan Marino comparisons. Although there will always be questions about who’s the better actor. I give the edge to Manning because his bad acting in those cell phone commercials is so much more entertaining than Marino’s bad acting in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

2. The Soul Bowl—For the first time in history, both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! In case you didn’t quite catch the significance of that, let me repeat it: both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! Don’t worry if you forget that piece of information as I’m sure the game announcers will remind you every 5 minutes. And while I think it’s awesome that two African-American coaches will be dueling in the Super Bowl, let’s not forget the other historical angles about this game. Like how we have the two whitest quarterbacks in Super Bowl history (Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman), the first quarterback named Manning in Super Bowl history, and the most well-armed individual in Super Bowl history (Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson).

3. The Rex Factor—Due to the inconsistent play of Chicago’s starting quarterback Rex Grossman, most Bears fans are still uneasy about their team’s offense. Fortunately, I came from the Lovie Smith school of rationalization so repeat after me: The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. See how effectively that works? It’s like they always say: “if you repeat a misleading statement enough times, people will almost start to believe it.” Almost.

4. The ’85 Bears—You may have heard about this team. They went 15-1 in the regular season and won the Super Bowl. Every Bears team from then on has been compared to that immortal squad, and I frankly think that’s unfair because times have changed. For example, the ’85 Bears created their own Super Bowl Song, but teams today aren’t nearly as creative—probably because all acts of creativity in the NFL results in a $10,000 fine nowadays. And probably also because drug use has gone down in the league.

5. Return to Miami—The last time the Super Bowl was held in Miami, Atlanta Falcons defensive back Eugene Robinson was arrested the night before the game for soliciting sex from an undercover cop. Nobody wants to see a repeat of that embarrassment so expect everyone to be on their best behavior. And if somebody does happen to step out of line, they can just ask former Miami Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban to act as their attorney. That guy really knows how to handle public relations.

6. Game Plans—Last year, the Pittsburgh Steelers drew up some nifty trick plays to help win the Super Bowl. Their opponents, the Seattle Seahawks came up with a clever game plan involving horrendous clock management and Jerramy Stevens dropping open passes. I look forward to similar ingenuity from both the Colts and Bears this year, like Adam Vinateri missing a key field goal or Rex Grossman leading an 80-yard touchdown drive. Those would totally throw the other team for a loop.

7. Run, run, run—A huge question mark looming over the Super Bowl is which Colts defense will show up: the one that gave up 100 or more yards rushing every game in the regular season or the one that has held every opponent in the playoffs to under 100 rushing yards? The Bears better hope Indy doesn’t stack eight men in the box because that’s the surefire way to stop the run. And since stacking eight men in the box would force Rex Grossman to throw the ball, that’s probably the Colt’s best bet.

8. Officiating—Last year’s Super Bowl was marred by questionable calls, and if you ask Seahawks fans, it cost their team the game. Hopefully, this year’s game will be more impartial, and judging by earlier playoff games, I say both teams will get equally shafted. And people should go easier on the referees anyways; with coaches like Marty Schottenheimer challenging even correct calls, why should referees try their hardest to make the correct ruling on the field?

Final Prediction: Colts 21, Bears 21, Adam Vinateri 3

Back!

Hello, everyone The Punchline is back on! Sorry about the last two months--the new version of blogger didn't transfer my blogs and I couldn't figure out how to recover my blogs to edit them. But now everything's back to prime working condition, and I look forward to another fantastic year in providing you in-depth sports coverage Punchline-style. Once again, I apologize for the delay between articles and promise this won't happen again. Feel free to send me e-mails yelling at me for my incompetence.


Sincerely Everyone,

James Li