Instant Messaging the Hate

I don't now if most of you know this or not--it's been kind of under the radar--but the Ohio State-Michigan game is this Saturday. If there's one thing this classic rivalry always lacks, it's getting enough hype as it deserves. Seriously, ESPN, show some more respect by giving Ohio State-Michigan 100% of your attention rather than just 95% of it.

The annual showdown between these two Big Ten powerhouses is considered by experts to be college football's biggest rivalry. I don't know who these "expert" are, but if that's what they say then I guess it has to be true. What I do know is that part of what makes this such a great rivalry is due to the passionate hatred for each other on both sides. To get a first-hand look at this venomous tradition, I intercepted an instant message conversation between two apparent friends who decided to go separate ways for college. What follows is the transcript of that conversation, but I have to warn you: some of the material may be inappropriate for young children to read.

GoBuckI77: Ready for ur annual beat down this weekend?

UMFan007: What r u talking about? We lead the series 57-39-6.

GoBuckI77: How many have u won the past 5 yrs?

UMFan007: If ur going to bring up recent history, why don't u clue me in on how Maurice Clarret is doing now?

GoBuckI77: At least he won us a National Championship in '02. When was your last National Championship, the Ice Age?

UMFan007: '97

GoBuckI77: That was shared. How about ur last outright title?

UMFan007: Shut up. Hey, you know what Michigan and Ohio St. guys have in common?

GoBuckI77: What?

UMFan007: They both know Ohio St. girls are easy.

GoBuckI77: Ur so mature. At least the girls here are attractive. What do you call a Michigan girl whose pretty?

UMFan007: What?

GoBuckI77: An endangered species. Lol.

UMFan007: Dude, that was weak.

GoBuckI77: You mean weak like your defense? I can't believe you guys gave up 26 pts to Ball State!

UMFan007: Not like u guys looked so good against Illinois.

GoBuckI77: At least we can win Rose Bowls. What's the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and a high school band? A high school band knows how to prepare for a Rose Bowl.

UMFan007: Oh yeah. How many Ohio St. students does it take to change a light bulb?

GoBuckI77: How many?

UMFan007: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to ask a Michigan student how to do it.

GoBuckI77: That's pretty good. How many Michigan students does it take to change a lightbulb?

UMFan007: How many?

GoBuckI77: Four. One to stand on the ladder and change it and three to look up her skirt while she's doing it.

UMFan007: I hate you.

GoBuckI77: Hey, where are you sitting for the game?

UMFan007: Why, u gonna come visit me?

GoBuckI77: No, I just wanted to know so I could warn the cheerleaders which direction not to face so they don't have to see your ugly face.

UMFan007: I don't think we can be friends anymore.

GoBuckI77: Anymore?

UMFan007: I hope you burn in hell after the game.

GoBuckI77: I would tell you to do likewise but hell is probably an improvement over Ann Arbor (signs off).