Happy Holidays!

As 2006 winds down, I want to take this time to thank everyone who has supported The Punchline. I especially want to give a special shout-out to Zach Parris and Stuart Day for their input and feedback that helped to shape my articles. Let's all hope for a fantastic year of sports in 2007 and the continued growth of this blog. Spread the word!

Also, if you haven't noticed, I have started a new blog called Invisible Line. Unlike The Punchline, Invisible Line will be less frequently updated (I'm thinking one every 1-2 months) and deals with serious issues that may or may not be sports-related. Currently the new blog has only two articles but more will come. If anybody finds any particularly galling subject in world news, don't hesistate to ask me to rant about it. And please e-mail me or leave comments if you have any suggestions, praise, or criticism of The Punchline either. In fact, I would appreciate more feedback of any sort because this blog is for you, the readers, and I want to make it as interesting as possible.

Finally, I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's. Have fun but remember not to drink and drive (like J.J. Reddick).

My Apologies

Last week I came across an e-mail that made me realize just how popular my sports blog has become. You know you've made it big time in the blogosphere when you've received your first piece of hate mail. And what angry, socially-inept, poorly educated person decided to honor me with this act of revulsion? Why it's one of our leprechaun-loving friends who worships at the Church of Notre Dame. As a public service (and by special request from certain people), I am posting the e-mail sent to me by this venerable Notre Dame fan; however, to respect his privacy, I will refrain from including his real name but instead refer to him only as "Rob M."

Subject:
Go Screw yourself
From:
Rob M. <rob@ae2.com>
Date:
Tue, December 12, 2006 12:57 pm
To:
JLLI@CLEMSON.EDU

ACC trash....anti-Catholic fundamentalist ND Hater.


Now, I'm assuming that this piece of mumble jumble is in response to my last article, in which I compared Notre Dame losing to the uplifting conclusion of It's a Wonderful Life. Apparently, Rob M. didn't take note of my blog being titled The Punchline or understand the meaning of humor. But it's ok Rob; plenty of people have never been able to completely grasp the concept of humor. Look at Charlie Weis: you think that guy has ever cracked a joke in his life? And yet he's made a success out of himself so there's still hope for you Rob. Perhaps one day you too can become an overrated coach of an overrated college football team.

But let me move on and try to address your, um... criticism. First, your letter didn't contain a single complete sentence. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you had to hurry your writing because there were so many more hate mails you had to complete.

Secondly, you referred to me as a "fundamentalist" Notre Dame hater. What does that even mean? Are you trying to suggest that a Christian fundamentalist would disagree with the religious teachings at Notre Dame? If so, does that mean Catholicism does not follow The Bible to the strictest word? Is there something you are trying to tell me that I don't know about Notre Dame from a religious point-of-view?

Third, and most importantly, you called me anti-catholic. All I did was make fun of your favorite school and suddenly I'm hating on the entire Catholic Church? I didn't realize Notre Dame held the same sanctity as the Pope. Actually, the university is probably more important than the Pope seeing as how NBC has never offered the Pope a huge TV contract. But I digress. Insulting Notre Dame does not automatically equate to insulting Catholicism, Rob. Try to tone down your paranoia. Plus, doesn't Notre Dame do enough to insult Catholicism? Haha, just kidding about that last remark. It's a joke, get it? Emphasis on the word joke. Joke.

But all is not lost with your e-mail, Rob. You did manage to open my eyes and make me rethink some of the things I have written about other people and schools. In retrospect, I may have been too harsh with some of my words and ,because I don't want everybody to hate me like they hate Notre Dame, I've decided to take this time and apologize to everyone I may have offended.

I would like to apologize to Mormons everywhere for making of BYU. I am sure Mormons are actually quite fun to hang out with and can throw a mean party befitting of an average college student. Additionally, I admire the religious fervor Mormons display in their beliefs... even if they are absolutely wrong.

Next, I want to apologize to the University of Miami football team. I've been harsh on you guys lately but understand that it's all in jest and that, in fact, I really respect and admire your program. You guys are absolutely wonderful. Really. Please don't hunt me down and beat me up.

I'd like to apologize to Arizona State for suggesting that their educational environment is as laid-back as a Hawaiian vacation. The educational environment at Arizona State is much more laid-back.

I would also like to apologize to Phil Fulmer for insinuating that he's a snitch. I'm sure Phil didn't voluntarily reveal Alabam's NCAA violations but was instead coerced into that action because bacon was being withheld from him until he did it.

I want to apologize to Chris Rix for giving him such a hard since the inception of this blog. I actually appreciate your quarterbacking genius, Chris. In fact, I wish you could be quarterback every year at Florida State, and I say that with complete sincerity.

I need to extend an apology to Wake Forest for calling their BCS bowl berth a once-in-a-lifetime event like Halley's Comet, which comes every 76 years. But the lifespan of an average human being has gotten longer to the point in which people can view Halley's comet twice in their lifetime. So Wake Forest playing in a BCS bowl is actually a twice-in-a-lifetime experience.

And finally, I want to deliver a heartfelt apology to Hillary Clinton for intimating that she isn't Presidential material. Senator, if you're reading this, I want you to know I think you have what it takes to become the greatest female President in history. Put it this way: if you somehow run unopposed in 2008, I will definitely not vote against you.

College Football bowl Guide

The holiday season means the end of the college football regular season and the beginning of the college football playoffs. Let that last sentence sink in for a moment. I’m waiting... get the joke now? There is no such thing as a college football playoff; I just wanted to make sure you are actually wide awake while reading this column because I understand that if you are a college student like me, go to a school like mine, and that school happens to be called Clemson University, then there is a good chance that you have been studying for final exams and thus have forgotten what it feels like to sleep.

What college football offers instead of a playoff system is so much cooler: bowl games! Every football fan knows that if you insert the word “bowl” after a descriptive name, then that makes it a special event, i.e., Super Bowl, Pro Bowl, Manning Bowl. College football has 32 of these amazing “bowl” events, giving diehard sports fans the opportunity to never do their Christmas shopping.

But most of you will want to do Christmas shopping. No, wait, scratch that. Most of you will be obligated to do your Christmas shopping (that’s much better). And in addition to shopping, you will have to deal with multitudes of families and friends at social gatherings provided that you actually have a life. Unfortunately, this means you can’t watch every bowl game. Fortunately, I have compiled a list of only the most important bowl games that must be watched so you can have your college football fix and still have the rest of the time this holiday season to physically harm somebody for the last available PS3.

Poinsettia Bowl, Dec. 19

Northen Illinois vs. TCU: This is the first bowl game played so it obviously has to be good. In fact I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that this will be one of the two greatest Poinsettia Bowls ever played.

Las Vegas Bowl, Dec. 21

Oregon vs. BYU: When I saw that BYU was going to play in the Las Vegas Bowl, I knew I had to watch this game now. A Mormon school playing in Las Vegas just spells trouble. Imagine what wild, alcohol-free activities the BYU players will be partaking in under the bright lights of Sin City? Too bad I’ll never find out because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Armed Forces Bowl, Dec. 23

Utah vs. Tulsa: This bowl is called the Armed Forces Bowl and yet I don’t see a single military school playing in the game. They should have at least extended an invitation to the Miami Hurricanes, whose players have shown a talent for militant behavior.

Hawaii Bowl, Dec. 23

Arizona State vs. Hawaii: Many people probably think that it is hard for visiting teams to focus properly in Hawaii due to all the fun distractions on the island. However, this will not be the case for Sun Devil players because the vacation-like atmosphere of Hawaii will be no different from the vacation-like atmosphere of attending school at Arizona State.

Motor City Bowl, Dec. 26

Central Michigan vs. Middle Tennessee State: Everybody should tune in to watch this game in order to make sure that both teams are in fact playing in a bowl game. I know I won’t believe it until I see it with my own eyes. If, in fact, this is true, then kudos to bowl officials for choosing two teams located in the central (middle) part of their respective states.

Chick-fil-A Bowl, Dec. 30

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia: The Bowl formerly known as the Peach Bowl has officially changed its name to a restaurant that serves high-fat food in order to better relate to the average American.

Gator Bowl, Jan.1

Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia: While Pat White and Steve Slaton of the Mountaineers will be the pro prospects in the spotlight for this game, don’t forget about Yellow Jacket’s QB Reggie Ball. In his last two games, against Georgia and Wake Forest, Ball went 6 of 22 for 42 yards and 9 of 29 for 129 yards, respectively. In other words, Reggie Ball will probably be the next starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

Outback Bowl, Jan.1

Tennessee vs. Penn State: Two of college football’s most winning active coaches will meet in what should certainly amount to an epic X’s and O’s battle. Both coaches can learn from each other, as Phil Fulmer can teach Joe Paterno how to dig up and report NCAA violations on inter-conference rivals while Paterno can reveal to Fulmer how to best deal with players accused of sexual assault. Personally, I think Paterno should try to add some spice to this game by saying something like “you can’t spell Outback without UT.” That would be such a witty and original quote.

Rose Bowl, Jan. 1

Michigan vs. USC: The Wolverines can’t believe they got passed over for the National Championship game, the Trojans can’t believe they lost their shot at the National Championship by losing to UCLA, and college football fans can’t believe the Rose Bowl finally involves a Big 10 vs. Pac-10 match-up again.

Fiesta Bowl, Jan. 1

Boise State vs. Oklahoma: You are probably thinking that Oklahoma will crush Boise State. But consider that the last time a mid-major team (Utah) played in a BCS game, it was the mid-major team ending up on the winning side of a blow-out (35-7 over Pittsburgh). Also consider that the last time Oklahoma played in a BCS game, they were on the wrong side of a blow-out (55-19 to USC). I’m not saying there’s not going to be a rout; I’m just saying that it’s not certain which team will be doing the routing. So tune in to see which team will win this game 45-17, and if the Sooners lose, be sure to watch for post-game developments in case Oklahoma’s President David Boren decides to challenge the results and blame Pac-10 officials.

Orange Bowl, Jan. 2

Wake Forest vs. Louisville: Don’t miss this game because Wake Forest playing in a BCS bowl is like Halley’s Comet: a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Sugar Bowl, Jan.3

Notre Dame vs. LSU: Gather around with your family to watch the fast-growing holiday tradition of Notre Dame getting absolutely outmatched in a January bowl game. Like another holiday mainstay, It’s a Wonderful Life, this tradition also has a heart-warming ending (Notre Dame losing) that will bring smiles to millions of Americans.

BCS Championship, Jan.8

Ohio State vs. Florida: This may be Urban Meyer’s only shot at winning a national championship with the Gators because I heard that Hillary Clinton has asked if Meyer would be interested in being her campaign manager for the 2008 Presidential elections. Apparently, Hillary was extremely impressed with Meyer’s ability to sway voters in the human polls to vote Florida ahead of Michigan. If I were Meyer, I’d accept Hillary’s offer immediately since she may not be so impressed with my strategic skills after Ohio State destroys Florida in the Championship game. And after I accepted the offer, I would go about sabotaging the campaign because the only thing worse than the BCS is Hillary Clinton being President of the United States.

Showing the Christmas Spirit

Now that Thanksgiving is over, everybody in the nation is busy preparing for Christmas… except for Jew. Like normal Americans, people in the sports world also sports world also have Christmas wish lists and being a great buddy of Kris Kringle, he allowed me to see what sports icons have asked Santa to bring them this year.


Steve Spurrier: Please send me a year’s supply of visors. Also, I need enough laptops to give to each one of my players.

Bob Knight: I would really appreciate some new chairs structurally designed so they won’t break so easily when I throw them at a referee in a fit of rage.

John Daly: I’m not asking for much. A few cases of Miller Lite will do. Actually, make that a Coors Lite. You know what? Give me both. And maybe true love. Ha ha, just kidding about that last part; who needs love when you’ve got beer?

Phil Fulmer: Santa, could you use your magical powers to procure for me tangible evidence of NCAA violations Alabama has committed? If not, I would be satisfied with lots and lots of bacon.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: All I want for Christmas is good health. At least good enough health so I can play up to 40 games this upcoming season.

Terrell Owens: For Christmas, I would like a list of ways I can obtain more publicity. I’m starting to run out of ideas.

Roger Clemens: Is there any way you can get Brett Favre to stop holding press conferences about whether he has made a decision on whether he’s retiring or not? It deflects too much attention away from my annual mid-season retirement decision.

Brett Favre: For my Christmas present, can you get Roger Clemens to stay retired so I can have a monopoly on oversaturated media coverage?

Curt Schilling: All I want for Christmas is world peace because that’s just how great of a person I am. A statue of me would be nice too so I can marvel at how wonderful of a person I am and perhaps I could even donate it to a children’s center somewhere in a phony attempt at charity that’s actually just a cover for getting more phony good press.

Roger Federer: I want an instructional video on how to have a personality. The one Tim Duncan sent me didn’t work.

Lance Armstrong: Hey Santa, my friend Matt McConaughey wants to know if you have any teenage daughters with long legs who he can race against. Then afterwards, we can both take her out for a good time.

Matt Leinart: Can please you tell your daughter that she left her stockings in my... er Nick Lachey’s bedroom?

Ralph Friedgen: If you give me a lifetime supply of doughnuts, I’ll never ask for anything from you again, Santa.

A.J. Pierzynski: A punching bag with Michael Barrett’s face on it.

Michelle Wie: This isn’t for me, but my “friend” has some troubles following all the rules and etiquette of golf and would appreciate a comprehensive rule book. Once again, this is not for me, but you should send it to my address so I can forward it to my “friend.”

Chris Rix: All I want for Christmas is a handicapped parking tag.

Jim Tressel: More sweater vests.

Alex Rodriguez: If it’s possible, I would love to receive a time machine so I can go back in time and never sign with the Yankees.

Barry Bonds: I haven’t been as much of a jerk as usual lately and have only made 400 or 500 more people absolutely despise me in the past year. Does this mean I’m on the good list now?