Will You Be My Friend Again?

Recently, Alex Rodriguez bemoaned the fact that he and Derek Jeter aren’t the friends they used to be. He claimed “You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over.” So, apparently, A-Rod and Jeter used to be close—real close—to the point that they were having heart-to-heart discussions about their feelings while eating cookies and drinking milk. I know I speak for many when I say that it’s a sad day to see two multi-millionaires unable to navigate the difficulties of life without straining a great relationship. In fact, I’m starting to shed tears over this news, crocodile tears, crocodile tears green with envy, green like the color of all the dollar bills those two players roll around in.

Because I am a caring individual who wants to see people be happy, I am going to lay forward some suggestions on how Rodriguez and Jeter can patch up their differences and start giggling together inside a bed cover once again. While I don’t promise that these proposals will produce positive results, I do promise that they will produce results of some kind. And let me add for reassurance that Donald Trump and Rosie ‘O Donnell took my advice and look how well it worked out for them.




1. The two can share Jessica Biel by agreeing to date her only on odd or even days. I am pretty sure Jessica Biel will have no problem with this arrangement either—but Justin Timberlake might.

2. They both switch to Alltel and enter each other’s “circle”.

3. A-Rod agrees to give a “tangible” portion of his enormous paycheck to Jeter in return for Jeter teaching him the secrets of his “intangible” baseball skills.

4. They can start showering together after games. That may lead to more sleepovers.

5. They can appear in an ad together where they eat at opposite ends of the same Snickers bar until their lips touch. Afterwards, they will want to rip their chest hair out, but since neither have any, they will just have to accept the fact that they have accidentally kissed and must now make up.

6. Go to Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to ask for advice on how to repair a broken friendship.

7. Jeter agrees to actually stick up for A-Rod once in a while in the media as long as A-Rod consents to curing his sensitive psyche by going to Ozzie Guillen for de-sensitivity training.

8. Jeter finally sees eye-to-eye with A-Rod and declares that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is a better movie than Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

9. The two side with George Steinbrenner and realize that no matter what hardships occur during the baseball season, it is definitely Joe Torre’s fault.

10. A-Rod wants Jeter to stop hitting him so hard during their pillow fights.

11. Jeter requests that A-Rod stop using so much perfume because it completely overpowers the odor of Jeter’s cologne during batting practice.

12. Both suddenly receive the epiphany that things could always be worse: they could be playing for the Kansas City Royals.

13. At the next World Baseball Classic, they agree to both hold out until the last minute over which country they will represent in the tournament.

14. They will use Barry Bonds and Mark Sweeney as a model for how a perfect friendship should be like

15. They seek marriage counseling.