Interview with the Vampire(s)

A lot of things ran through my mind while conducting an interview with ESPN GameDay Analysts Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit: how diabolically handsome Kirk Herbstreit is up close , how amazingly funny Lee Corso is in real life, how much of an odd couple these two guys really are, etc. Most importantly, however, I was thinking how truly awesome it would be if I were actually conducting an interview with Corso and Herbstreit instead of just pretending to interview them. See, ESPN never replied to my request to talk with the two GameDay icons so I could only manage a mock interview consisting of me and two fake dummies. But I'm pretty sure the questions and answers I made up would be the same as if it happened in real life.

By the way, you may be wondering why I titled this piece "Interview with the Vampire(s)". It's partly because I felt anemic the next day and partly because this is an interview you can really sink your teeth into.

Me: Mr. Corso and Mr. Herbstreit, thank you for taking the time to answer some questions I have for you.

Lee Corso: No problem Jim, but please hurry because it's Eleven (PM). Way past my bedtime.

Me: It's James.

LC: Whatever.

Kirk Herbstreit: I'll be happy to answer your questions.

Me: How much did this win (Clemson over Georgia Tech) impress you?

KH: What a performance by the Tigers! Such dominance on the ground, but what really impressed me the most was the how the defense took Calvin Johnson out of the game.

Me: I think Reggie Ball had a lot to do with Johnson's lack of involvement.

KH: Well, that's a given.

LC: Man, was James Davis and C.J. Spiller amazing. Everytime they got the ball, they found a hole and "woosh!", they were off. Those are some faaast backs. That's why I picked Clemson to win.

KH: You always pick the home team to win.

LC: Not true. I only pick the home team, like, 9 out of 10 times. Anyways, Davis's and Spiller's speed reminded me of how fast I was as a linebacker at Florida State. That's why they nicknamed me "Sunshine Scooter."

KH: Scooters aren't fast.

LC: No, but sunshine is.

Me: Based on what you saw tonight, how far do you see Clemson going this season on a national scale?

KH: If they play like they did tonight for the rest of the season, I think they'll win the ACC and gain a BCS berth. But they could also be a one-loss team that could sneak up and be playing in the BCS Championship Game if a lot of teams lose ahead of them.

LC: Not so fast my friend! Be on the lookout for the University of Notre Dame! If there's a one-loss team that deserves a shot at the National Championship, it's those Fighting Irish! They have a great quarterback and a great coach, but most importantly, they have great intangibles.

Me: What Intangibles?

LC: They're Notre Dame! That's an intangible in itself. At least that's what the media has led me to believe.

Me: You are part of the media.

LC: And I'm excited to be part of the media! I am so excited I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore but I love speaking in this excited voice!

Me: Uh... Kirk, let me wrap it up with this final question: You were the first player to commit to Ohio State after John Cooper took over as Head Coach. What did you think of Coach Cooper?

KH: He's a wonderful coach... if you're a Michigan Wolverines fan.

Baseball Predictions

I realize I haven't said anything about the baseball playoffs so I'll give you my predictions now. In the National League I pick the Cardinals over the Padres and the Mets to sweep the Dodgers, with the Cardinals outlasting the Mets in seven games to win the NLCS. I see the Tigers coming out of the American League by beating the Yankees in four games in the Divisional Series before sweeping the Oakland A's, winners over the Twins, in the ALCS. And no, I didn't just make those predictions because they have already happened. Those were my actual predictions way back in July. Really. I promise. Stop rolling your eyes.

For the World Series, I see the St. Louis Cardinals defeating the Detroit Tigers in six games. I came to this conclusion due to the following three reasons:

1) The Cardinals are a National League teams and the National League was so much more superior than the American League this season. After all, who had more losses to Al teams: NL teams or AL teams? Exactly.

2) The Tigers have quickly turned around from being the laughingstock of baseball to being in the World Series while the Cardinals have been consistently good for the past decade. So obviously Detroit players are using steroids. At least that's the only conclusion I can come up with to explain such a surprising turnaround from the Detroit franchise. Nobody likes a cheater and cheaters never win. Unless it's figure skating.

3) Albert Pujols is universally regarded as the best baseball player in the world. And when you're the best you deserve championship rings. Hear that umpires? Just follow the example of NBA referees and you'll be good.

So there you go guys; your 2006 World Series Champions: The St. Louis Cardinals! Just remember you heard it from me first. Of course if the Tigers win then you never heard from me at all.

The GameDay Special

The first thing I would like to say is "Welcome to Clemson University Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit." For years I’ve watched the GameDay Crew on TV grace college campuses across the nation, with most of those campuses being located at Notre Dame. Now I get the chance to watch the GameDay Crew in action right in my backyard…on TV. I would try to be on Bowman Field where the GameDay crew is filming but that would require camping out a day in advance and I'm not really into camping. Plus, everybody else on campus has the same idea so camping spaces aren’t exactly going to be a dime a dozen or even a dime a hundred.

Everybody probably expects a detailed analysis of the Clemson-Georgia Tech game from me but there’s really not much to analyze here. We have a superior running game, a superior offensive line, a superior secondary, and the best Defensive End in the nation in Gaines Adams. On the other side, Georgia Tech has Chan Gailey as their head coach. If you base predictions off the biased way I just presented the matchups, then the game Saturday should obviously be a blowout in Clemson’s favor (I’m thinking 122-0). So there’s not much analysis needed. And since you’ll need something to keep you busy until kick-off—especially those of you freezing inside your sleeping bags tonight—I’ve came up with 10 interesting facts relating to the game that should make you feel all warm inside, especially if you drink rum while reading this.

1. All Purple Petition— There was a big push for wearing all-purple to this game. Fortunately the all-purple movement has been crushed by the “Solid Orange: It’s About Pride” movement. That’s good because “Solid Purple: It’s About Pride” sounds like something meant only for Gay Pride Rallies.

2. The Johnsons— Georgia Tech Wide Receiver Standout Calvin Johnson hasthe same initials as Cincinnati Bengals Pro Bowl Receiver Chad Johnson. Pure coincidence or a trivial fact I randomly thought of?

3. Chain Gailey Corollary— My friend Zach Parris told me about the ChanGailey Corollary which states: “Whatever Chan Gailey does in life, he’ll end up 7-5.” So if Gailey coaches the ’95 Nebraska Cornhuskers and they played Kent State every game, ’95 Nebraska would end up 7-5; if Gailey coaches Kent State and they played ’95 Nebraska every game, Kent State would end up 7-5; if Chan Gailey goes skydiving, his parachute will open up 7 times and fail to open 5 times.

4. Keeping the World Right-- Georgia Tech is 5-1 thus far this year so listen up Jacket players: the Chan Gailey Corollary is at stake here so you’ll need to start working on a 2-4 finish unless you want to destroy the equilibrium of the world. Yes, I know that the ACC Championship game and a Bowl game gives you 14 games this season so here’s what you guys should do: lose four of your last five ACC game in order guarantee that you don’t win the Coastal Division but beat Georgia and then decline your bowl invitation. You really don’t want to play in the Humanitarian Bowl anyways.

5. The Loveliest of them all— Some guys aren’t too pleased that Holly Rowe will be the sideline reporter for the Homecoming Game and not a more attractive woman like Erin Andrews or Bonnie Bernstein. But Kick-off isn’t until 7:45 at night, which gives everyone plenty of time to put enough alcohol in their systems so Holly Rowe will look hot.

6. Reggie Ball, Part 1— Ball is having the best season ever at Georgia Tech with a career-best Quarterback rating of 85.1 while cutting down on the mistakes that have previously plagued him in the past. Hopefully Ball will revert to his usual mistake-filled nature when he takes the field against Clemson and thus continue up the ladder of the all-time college Quarterback Bad Decision-making List. He’s still 650 mistakes behind leader and FSU Legend Chris Rix.

7. Reggie Ball Part 2— One of most famous (or infamous) errors Reggie Ball has ever committed happened a few years back in the final minutes of a tight game against archrival Georgia. On fourth down, Ball was pressured and threw the ball away; afterwards he explained that he thought it was third down. Ever heard of the saying “There are two types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t?” That fourth down play was Reggie Ball’s way of introducing football fans to another saying: “There are two types of Quarterbacks in this world: those who know how many downs are left and those named Reggie Ball.”

8. The 7th ‘Flo Crew Survives—One team Georgia Tech won’t have to worry about in the Coastal Division race are the Miami Hurricanes. Not because Miami had to suspend 13 players for that brawl against Florida International last week but because it took the Hurricanes three quarters to score 14 points against FIU.

9. Stiff Competition-- Not to take away how awesome it is for GameDay to come to Clemson but the only other game this weekend between ranked teams was Texas-Nebraska. If GameDay were the BCS Championship Game and each football game were a team, then we basically competed against Sun Belt Conference competition this week to win GameDay. Not that there's anything wrong with the Sun Belt Conference; any conference with such a geographically-neutral name like that is all right in my book.

10. Devil's Advocate--Perhaps GameDay should've chosen to go to Lincoln so they could ask Nebraska Head Coach Bill Callahan in person whether he thinks Texas fans are as redneck as Oklahoma fans. After all, only a red river divides those two schools, right?

Next week: I'll give you the transcript of my interview with Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit!!!

An Outdated Article for your viewing pleasure

This article was first written before the NFL season started. Unfortunately the Clemson newspaper The Tiger didn't publish it for reasons yet unknown. It's completely outdated but imagine that this is early September while you are reading this and you'll realize that this was indeed everything you needed to know about the NFL.


Everything You need to know about the NFL

With the NFL season underway, the average NFL fan will read at least 20 articles of analysis each week. But I can save you time by telling you everything you need to know about 20 teams in the NFL for the entire season. Why 20 teams only? Because by week 12, only 10 teams per conference will be vying for playoff spots. I present to you those 10 teams in each conference in order of increasing contender status starting with the…

AFC

10. San Diego Chargers-- The Phillip Rivers era starts in San Diego and if he doesn’t work out, there’s always former Clemson QB Charlie Whitehurst. You could say the Chargers are the best ACC team in the NFL.

9. Cleveland Browns— Second-year head coach Romeo Crennel is very high on starting quarterback Charlie Frye. In fact, he is high on anything that looks and sounds like “fry.”

8. Jacksonville Jaguars—After complaining all last season of not getting enough respect, reports are that the Jags will bring in Arethra Franklin to sing her signature song before every game this year. And since “it ain’t over ‘till the fat lady sings”, the Jags will also have her sing whenever they need to protect a fourth quarter lead.

7. Cincinnati Bengals—Many people are criticizing the Bengals as a team full of jailbirds but look on the bright side Bengals fans: at least nobody’s criticizing them of being losers anymore.

6. Kansas City Chiefs—The Chiefs won’t have to lobby for an expanded playoff field this year. But they might lobby for an extended game clock after dealing with Herm Edwards’ clock management skills.

5. Miami Dolphins-- The fans in Miami are excited about having Daunte Culpepper. The players in Miami are excited about Culpepper too, but for a different reason: Daunte Culpepper + Miami Girls= One Steamy Sexboat.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers—With Antwaan Randle El gone, the Steelers can’t run as many trick plays. Too bad, because with Ben Roethlisberger out, the Steelers will need as many trick plays as possible.

3. New England Patriots—The Patriots neglected to shore up their leaky secondary this offseason and then allowed Deion Branch to defect to the Jets. Still, they have Tom Brady and his metaphorical five layers of protection.

2. Indianapolis Colts—Even without Edgerrin James, the Colts are still talented enough to have another fantastic regular season and another disappointing playoff exit.

1. Houston Texans—I know you probably think I’m an idiot placing the Texans No.1, but stay with me here. The Texans MUST know something we don’t; nobody would do anything so stupid like selecting Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and not have an ace up their sleeve. Right?

NFC

10. Detroit Lions—With Jon Kitna, the Lions upgraded their quarterback situation. Not because Kitna is a good QB, but because almost any QB is an upgrade compared to Joey Harrington. If the Lions also replace Matt Millen with Kitna as GM, they’ll have another upgrade.

9. Green Bay Packers—Brett Favre was good enough to lead the league in interceptions last year. This year he’ll lead the league in both interceptions AND unnecessary news conferences.

8. Arizona Cardinals—Sure, Edgerrin James was an extremely significant acquisition but rookie quarterback Matt Leinart will have a more immediate impact, namely allowing Cardinals fans to see whats-left-of-Nick Lachey root on his USC pal.

7, New Orleans Saints— It’s nice to see good fortune smile on this team in the post-Katrina era. Not only will they have the pleasure of watching Reggie Bush play, but they’ll have the pleasure of NOT watching Aaron Brooks play anymore.

6. Dallas Cowboys—A lot of people are curious to see how Terrell Owens will co-exist with Bill Parcells, but I’m more interested in seeing the dynamics of the T.O./ Mike Vanderjagt relationship. If someone like Peyton Manning called Vanderjagt an idiot, just imagine what T.O might call him.

5. Philadelphia Eagles— Not having T.O. should help lessen distractions, but the Eagles still have Donovan McNabb. If they had Brett Favre instead, they’d win every game this season.

4. Atlanta Falcons—The Falcons had the best ground game last season. If they start Matt Schaub at quarterback, they might have a good passing game too.

3. Chicago Bears—Some people might wonder why Chicago didn’t do more to improve their anemic offense. I am not one of those people. With Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton on the quarterback roster, the Bears are the envy of every college football team.

2. Carolina Panthers—Should Jake Delhomme fail to uplift his teammates emotionally with his hyperactive nature, the Panthers cheerleaders can always go to the bathroom to keep morale high.

1. Seattle Seahawks—If Seattle returns to the Super Bowl, they should remember to make the refs like them by never saying bad things about them. Oops.

Are You Ready for Some… Heisman Handicaps?

It’s October, meaning enough of portion of the college football season has been played so that experts like me can start making undeniably accurate Heisman Trophy predictions. The Heisman Trophy of course is the most important award in the world—more important than the Nobel Prizes, Emmy’s, and MTV Movie Awards combined; that’s why articles about which players are in the Heisman running circulate starting from the day after the last Heisman winner was announced to the day of the next Heisman Trophy presentation to moments before the rapture. But don’t worry about any other so-called “expert” predictions on the Heisman because mine is the holy grail of Heisman columns due to the minutes of meticulous research I put into it.

For those of you who don’t know how odds work, allow me to illustrate with the following example: Let’s say California running back Marshawn Lynch was going at 50-1 odds to win the Heisman before the start of the season. Theoretically that means if you bet one dollar on Lynch and he wins the Heisman, you win 50 dollars. Realistically it means if you bet one dollar on Lynch, you lost one dollar.

Anyways, let’s take a look at the Heisman race in order of decreasing chance to win beginning with…

1. Troy Smith, QB Ohio State (odds: 5-1)—Smith is the Quarterback for the nation’s No.1 team and has been effective thus far in leading the Buckeyes to victories over ranked opponents Texas and Iowa. Those are two big plusses for Smith and with that amazing touchdown pass while-scrambling-from-defenders play against Penn State, he now has the ooh-la-la moment that sticks in the minds of Heisman voters the ala Reggie Bush’s cutback-inside-from-the-sidelines play last season against Fresno State. But what will really seal the deal for Troy Smith is if Ohio State boosters give Smith’s family a house, thus sending the voters a message by conferring Heisman preferential status identical to what Bush got at USC.

2. Adrian Peterson, RB Oklahoma (odds: 7-1)—Peterson has been absolutely amazing this season, averaging 160.8 yards per game. But if he doesn’t win, I’m sure Oklahoma President David Boren will just ask the NCAA to wipe this year’s Heisman selection off the record books

3. Brady Quinn, QB Notre Dame (odds: 10-1)—Brady Quinn’s Heisman hopes have taken a hit since the Michigan debacle but, using four degrees of separation, I think I can still explain why Quinn should win the trophy: 1) Quinn’s head coach is Charlie Weiss 2) Weiss coached Tom Brady as offensive coordinator of the New England Patriots 3) Tom Brady has 3 Super Bowl rings 4) Tom Brady and Brady Quinn both share the name “Brady.” There you go; I just proved that Brady Quinn is equivalent to an NFL Quarterback who has won 3 Super Bowls. How can you not choose him for the Award now?

4. Garret Wolfe, RB Northen Illinois (odds : 20-1)—Wolfe is on pace to break the single-season rushing record and can brag that he put up 171 yards on the ground against the vaunted Ohio State defense. What may hurt Wolfe is the fact he plays in the defensively-challenged Mid-American Conference, but what will hurt Wolfe even more is that he is way behind in touchdown passes to Troy Smith and Brady Quinn.


5. John David Booty, QB Southern Cal (odds: 25-1)—Heisman voters might be reluctant to select Booty since USC has already won 3 of the last 4 Heisman Trophies, but I think I speak for everyone when I say it’d be great to see the following sports headline: “Heisman Awarded to Booty.”

6. Chris Leak, QB Florida (odds: 80-1)—Based on past results, Leak has all 3 requirements for a Heisman winner: 1) he’s a Quarterback 2) He’s a Senior 3) He plays for a big name school. But I’ve heard that the Heisman race is also a popularity contest so Gator fans had better stop booing Leak lest they make voters think Leak isn’t cool enough to win the Heisman.

7. Brian Brohm, QB Louisville (odds: 150-1)—Running Back Michael Bush’s season-ending injury might actually help Brohm’s candidacy because he has to carry the Cardinal’s offense without benefit of a running game. Too bad Brohm is now injured too and won’t be back until the West Virginia game. But Brohm can still help his team win by convincing opponents before the game to stomp on the Cardinals logo at midfield.

8. Tedd Ginn, Jr. WR Ohio State (odds: 250-1)—With just 337 yards receiving and 5 touchdowns, Ginn doesn’t own Heisman-quality numbers. But the Buckeyes. have always ran a conservative offense under Jim Tressel so we must inflate Ginn’s numbers to account for the play-calling. By my calculations, Tedd Ginn would then have 2,050 yards receiving and 35 touchdowns; now those are Heisman-quality stats

9. Drew Weatherford, QB Florida State (odds: 400-1)—Many people will ask why Weatherford is even a candidate considering he is only starting his second season and hasn’t been really all that good; but don’t ask me, ask Florida State fans. After enduring four years of Chris Rix, any Quarterback would be considered a Heisman candidate to Seminole Nation.

10. Sidney Rice, WR South Carolina (odds: 500-1)—The Gamecocks’ star receiver was recently named SEC Offensive Player of the Week for catching 5 touchdowns against Florida Atlantic, a feat made all the more impressive because of FAU’s record-breaking defense. Don’t believe me? The Owls defense gave up 54, 45, 48, and 45 points in their first four games respectively. Tell me they’re not breaking some sort of record here.

11. Kyle Davisson, WR Clemson (odds: 6,000,000,000-1)—You probably have never heard of Kyle Davisson and it’s totally understandable since he’s a scout team Wide Receiver whose only playing time this year came in the waning moments of Clemson’s 51-0 blasting of Louisiana Tech. But check out the odds!!!!!! Sure I made them up and sure Kyle Davisson has absolutely no chance of winning the Heisman this or any other year, but you have to think of this in terms of risk versus rewards. The risk (100%) is that you will lose only one dollar but the potential payoff (0%) is that you could earn a return of 6 billion dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!! So disregard all common sense and bet on Kyle Davisson while the odds are still this good. Feel free to send your dollar bets to me at my Clemson mailbox.