Making a Sweet Sixteen Truly Super

Recently, a family got Peyton Manning to show up at their daughter’s sweet sixteen party for a whopping sum of 200,000 dollars. Three thoughts immediately popped into my head upon hearing this news: 1) This family is really, really rich and their ability to flaunt their wealth like that makes other countries hate us even more 2) How come my parents never invited a famous athlete to my sweet sixteen, and more importantly, why didn’t I ever have a sweet sixteen? 3) Of all the athletes they could have gotten, why Peyton Manning?

The third thought is probably the most interesting. Maybe the daughter’s favorite athlete was Peyton Manning, or maybe their family are huge Indianapolis Colts fans, or maybe the mom’s brother’s best friend’s roommate’s girlfriend was homecoming queen at the University of Tennessee and sang “Rocky Top” with Manning. I’m not sure what the reason could be but what I am sure of is that I hope they air this party on the MTV show “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Until then I can only daydream about what happened at that girl’s party…

5:00 P.M.—Although the party doesn’t start for another hour, Peyton Manning shows up an hour early for pre-party warm-ups. This is his time to get a feel for the atmosphere of the home and the field conditions in the family’s backyard. He orders the family members to run scrimmages of what the party will be like.

6:00 P.M.—Manning greets the girl’s friends with the line “Hi, I’m Peyton Manning, Super Bowl MVP.” All the teenage boys ask Manning for his autograph and all the teenage girls ask him if he can get them Tom Brady’s autograph.

7:00 P.M.—Manning moves slower than anybody in the food line due to his constantly calling audibles over what food he puts on his plate. He also repeatedly gets up for seconds until he finds the perfect route around the line to get the best food.

8:00 P.M.—Manning plays backyard football with the girl’s dad and some of her guy friends. Everything is going well until the dad breaks his wrist trying to catch a ball from Manning’s “laser rocket arm.”

9:00 P.M.—Peyton Manning entertains guests at the party by dressing up in disguises and referring to himself in the third person.

10:00 P.M.—Manning asks the girl’s dad about restructuring his payment for coming to the party that would allow Manning to receive a 10,000 dollar bonus for “going all the way” with the girl’s mom.

11:00 P.M.—Manning dances with some of the teenage girls at the party and afterwards, comments that some of the girls need to “improve on their footwork and timing.”

12:00 A.M.—At the strike of midnight, party guests stand outside to wait for the big birthday gift the parents have given their daughter. To everybody’s surprise, it’s Eli Manning with an engagement ring in his hand. He promptly proposes to the daughter and the two ride off to spend their honeymoon at Archie Manning’s mansion.