Duke: A History of Evil

Duke: very few words in the English language stir up so much passionate hatred. Mention Duke to any college basketball fan who doesn’t bleed dark blue, and they’ll react in the same way Tom Cruise reacts to being sprayed by water. But why would any college team incur so much wrath?

There are obvious reasons that come to mind, including Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s sideline personality, the dorky nature of Blue Devil players, their affinity for receiving beneficial calls, and the envy that goes along with consistent success over so many years. But few people know that the obsession with hating Duke results from injuries against mankind since the dawn of history. Luckily, I am one of those few people and will now divulge this secret history which the guardians of truth, masquerading as the NCAA, have hidden for centuries.

Many people know the story of the serpent who tempted Eve to eat from the forbidden tree. However, not many people know that the serpent was a Duke Blue Devil fan and only wanted mankind kicked out of the Garden of Eden so that people would have to go to colleges in order to learn, instead of God just telling them everything, and thus give rise to college basketball. Also, it is not a mere coincidence that Duke’s mascot is the Blue Devil.

Later, the world’s first Cameron Crazies came to existence in the ancient Civilization known as Atlantis. This advanced society worshipped Duke Basketball, and God punished those heathens for worshipping a false idol by drowning them under the sea. The remaining survivors went on to terrorize Medieval Europe under the banner of the Vikings.

It was during the Middle Ages that Kings began employing high-ranking noblemen called Dukes to govern various parts of their countries. These Dukes ruled with an iron fist, creating basketball leagues in which the Duke’s team always won due to timely calls by the referees. Whenever anybody would complain about the referees, they would be burned at the stake as a Heretic. This practice of executing people who dared to question officiating in Dukes’ basketball games became known as the Inquisition.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus, a basketball recruiter for the Duke of Ferdinand, discovered the New World. He promptly made all the native Indian tribes hate him by recruiting all their best athletes and leaving the rest with Smallpox.

While Napoleon and Hitler are considered the world’s first two Antichrists, most people are still trying to figure out who the third Antichrist is. What most people are only beginning to realize is that the third Antichrist was born on February, 13, 1947 and his name is Mike Krzyzewski. Kryzyzewski received Duke University’s head coaching position in basketball due to his rat-like nose, which prophecies had foretold would be the defining feature of “The Evil One.” He was gifted with the powers to scream incessantly at players and officials alike, own a permanent sneer, and imbuing players with no discernible NBA talent the ability to play at a high level in college basketball. Exhibit A of Kryzyzewski’s latter capacity came when Christian Laettner, an otherwise awkward white kid with emotional scars due to being teased as a kid because his middle name was Donald, rose to fame by making every shot—including the game-winner—in a classic 104-103 Regional Final victory over Kentucky in 1992. Duke would later win the second of their back-to-back titles. In related news, historians often consider 1991 and 1992 to be the lowest point in human history.

Duke’s reign of terror would continue throughout the 90’s and into the 21^st Century. Classic villains during that time period include Steve Wojciechowski, whose affinity for slapping the floor led to major earthquakes in California; J.J. Reddick, whose poetry made listeners’ ears bleed; and Shelden Williams, whose face made viewers’ eyes bleed. The Cameron Crazies have made a return under the guise of Duke basketball fans who paint themselves blue and camp out for tickets years in advance. Their raucous nature has been known to raise America’s terror alert to orange.

So there you have it. You have always hated Duke and wondered if your hatred was rational. Now you know that not only is it rational, but that hatred of Duke basketball is innate and results from thousands of years of injuries visited upon the human race due to the insidious Blue Devils. Go ahead and boo the men playing in the dark blue jerseys readers—it’s instinctual.

Making a Sweet Sixteen Truly Super

Recently, a family got Peyton Manning to show up at their daughter’s sweet sixteen party for a whopping sum of 200,000 dollars. Three thoughts immediately popped into my head upon hearing this news: 1) This family is really, really rich and their ability to flaunt their wealth like that makes other countries hate us even more 2) How come my parents never invited a famous athlete to my sweet sixteen, and more importantly, why didn’t I ever have a sweet sixteen? 3) Of all the athletes they could have gotten, why Peyton Manning?

The third thought is probably the most interesting. Maybe the daughter’s favorite athlete was Peyton Manning, or maybe their family are huge Indianapolis Colts fans, or maybe the mom’s brother’s best friend’s roommate’s girlfriend was homecoming queen at the University of Tennessee and sang “Rocky Top” with Manning. I’m not sure what the reason could be but what I am sure of is that I hope they air this party on the MTV show “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Until then I can only daydream about what happened at that girl’s party…

5:00 P.M.—Although the party doesn’t start for another hour, Peyton Manning shows up an hour early for pre-party warm-ups. This is his time to get a feel for the atmosphere of the home and the field conditions in the family’s backyard. He orders the family members to run scrimmages of what the party will be like.

6:00 P.M.—Manning greets the girl’s friends with the line “Hi, I’m Peyton Manning, Super Bowl MVP.” All the teenage boys ask Manning for his autograph and all the teenage girls ask him if he can get them Tom Brady’s autograph.

7:00 P.M.—Manning moves slower than anybody in the food line due to his constantly calling audibles over what food he puts on his plate. He also repeatedly gets up for seconds until he finds the perfect route around the line to get the best food.

8:00 P.M.—Manning plays backyard football with the girl’s dad and some of her guy friends. Everything is going well until the dad breaks his wrist trying to catch a ball from Manning’s “laser rocket arm.”

9:00 P.M.—Peyton Manning entertains guests at the party by dressing up in disguises and referring to himself in the third person.

10:00 P.M.—Manning asks the girl’s dad about restructuring his payment for coming to the party that would allow Manning to receive a 10,000 dollar bonus for “going all the way” with the girl’s mom.

11:00 P.M.—Manning dances with some of the teenage girls at the party and afterwards, comments that some of the girls need to “improve on their footwork and timing.”

12:00 A.M.—At the strike of midnight, party guests stand outside to wait for the big birthday gift the parents have given their daughter. To everybody’s surprise, it’s Eli Manning with an engagement ring in his hand. He promptly proposes to the daughter and the two ride off to spend their honeymoon at Archie Manning’s mansion.

Tips to Filling Out the Perfect Bracket

You’ve done your 37 hours of research. You’ve watched every ESPN expert’s pick and every basketball columnist’s tips. You’ve consulted the local psychic and worked out complex math formulas which you put into a computer that generates sporting results. Well guess what? You’re still wrong. You’re wrong because the computer told you that the winner will be Florida, and there’s absolutely, definitely, incontrovertibly no way that the Florida Gators will repeat as National Champions (more on why later).

Fear not though, the Punchline is here to give you the advice you’ve been lacking. By following the guidelines I illustrate, you’ll be ensured of winning your NCAA pool and thus having bragging rights for an entire year. Be warned though: while my methods of filling out a perfect bracket are dead-on accurate, there is always an unknown percent chance that things could go wrong due to unforeseen circumstances, such as injuries or miraculous buzzer beaters or players calling timeouts when their teams don’t have any.

16^th Seeds: No #1 seed has ever lost to a 16^th seed so be sure not to pick Jackson State, Niagara, Eastern Kentucky, or Central Connecticut State to win any games. However it may be hard to pick Kansas too, because even though they are not a #16 seed, they have the spirit of one based on their recent NCAA performances.

12-5 Upset Specials: Just about every year, a 12^th seed will topple a 5^th seed. The trick is to figure which 12^th seed will do the honors. I recommend picking every 12^th seed so as to give yourself a 100% chance to get 1 or 2 out of 4 games correctly.

Gigantic Upset Specials: Every year, one huge upset shocks the college basketball world involving a 13^th seed or lower. I see Texas A&M Corpus Christi as that team this year because Texas A&M is a really good team, and the Islanders are basically Texas A&M except with extra words attached at the end. Some of you may argue that this is not a good way to predict upsets, but then you would be suggesting that there is actually a way to predict upsets.

Duke: As you probably know, Duke basketball is an evil program bent on destroying everything good in the world. Always pick against them unless you want other people to think you are a soulless maniac who likes to eat babies.

#1 Seeds: At least one top seed makes it to the final four every year, but never have all 4 top seeds made it to the final four in the same year. Therefore, be sure to cross out at least one top seed from making it to Atlanta. I’m not going to make any suggestions, but let’s just say that Ohio State plays in the Big 10. Again, I’m not suggesting which No.1 seed is weak. All I’m suggesting is to remember that Ohio State played in a weak conference and, in its two biggest non-conference games of the season, got crushed by UNC and Florida. But I have no idea which top seed could be ripe for the picking.

Nicknames: Early in the tournament, teams with cool nicknames like Salukis, Crusaders, or Zags have a lot of success. But after the Sweet Sixteen, teams with lame nicknames like Wildcats, Ducks, and Hoyas will triumph. This is a rule of thumb I have learned from years of watching the NCAA tournament and always works, unless you have no taste in school nicknames and think that Boilmakers and Fighting Irish are awesome names. Please!

Coaching: Coaching is what turns a mediocre team into a good team and a good team into a great team. For example, Texas Tech would merely be a mediocre team if it weren’t for Bob Knight’s ability to slap some sense into his players, literally. And North Carolina would only be a good team, not great team, despite all their talent without Roy Williams’s animated gestures on the sidelines to let his players know when they can daydream about the NBA and when they should actually play basketball. Then there’s Tubby Smith: he’s a one-of-a-kind coach who motivates his players to play as hard as possible every March by never letting them know for sure if he’s coming back next season.

Small Schools: Mid-majors will make their presence known in the tournament, but my friend Zach Parris wanted to know how low majors will do. Unfortunately low majors, high minors, mid-minors, and low minors will be unable to make any noise due to be vastly underrepresented for the umpteenth straight year. Come to think of it, they don’t have any representation every year. Somebody should try to stick up for them and call the NCAA out for snubbing those poor schools. I would do it, but I’ll be too busy watching the tournament.

Teams that will go far:

Midwest

Maryland—The NCAA Tournament is all about who’s hot at the right time. The Terrapins are red-hot right now because any ACC team that loses to Miami has to be red-hot in embarrassment.

UNLV—The Running Rebels will have early success because their nickname is cool but will also have late success because their nickname is lame too. It’s cool because Running Rebels is a unique name but lame because if you’re a rebel, then you should be fighting instead of running.

Wisconsin—Fatigue is an important factor late in games. The Badger’s style of play is so boring, it will likely cause their opponents to fall asleep.

West

Kansas—Because they’ll be playing a 16^th seed, the Jayhawks will definitely get out of the first round this season, and for them, getting out of the first round must be considered a deep run in the tournament.

Pittsburgh—Some teams may be able to lay the wood on their opponents, but only Pitt can lay the steel on their opponents. Everyone knows steel is tougher than wood.

Gonzaga—This year’s Zags team had to fight harder for their tournament berth and, as a result, is more battle-tested. Plus, they got rid of the only crybaby on their team last year.

East

North Carolina—The Tarheels will be prepared to stay in for the long haul and soak in as much tournament experience as possible to prepare themselves for life in the NBA next year.

Texas—Don’t be surprised if Kevin Durant seems a bit distracted during the UNC-Texas game; he’ll be busy juggling playing time and swapping draft notes with UNC players.

South

Ohio State—See Wisconsin

Albany—Long overshadowed by those loudmouths in New York City, Albany is going to show the world who’s really the capital of New York

Texas A&M—The Aggies plan on transplanting their 12^th Man tradition in football to basketball. I don’t care who has the most talent; twelve players will always have a huge advantage against five players.

Teams that will not make it far:

Midwest

Florida: Last year, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin wrestled the Gator mascot in an ESPN commercial. A few months later Irwin died. Coincidence? I think not. Fans will not be so forgiving of the Florida Gators and will boo them off the floor for their hand in Irwin’s tragic demise.

Notre Dame: All the players will be too distracted by Brady Quinn’s draft stock issues.

West

Holy Cross—Unfortunately for the Crusaders, they have a history of taking over a building but then losing it later.

Wright State—I looked on a map of the United States and couldn’t find a state named Wright anywhere. Wright State is pretending to be something they’re not and pretenders never get far in tournaments.

East

USC—The Trojans could face Texas in the second round, and we all know what happened the last time USC and Texas played.

Boston College—Early in the season, the B.C. dismissed their leading shot blocker for the season due to drug issues. This noble act of doing what’s right proves the Eagles aren’t serious about their athletics. Teams that don’t take sports seriously enough don’t do well in the postseason.

South

Tennessee—Trying to figure out which Tennessee coach will do something crazy next will prove too great a distraction for the players.

Louisville and Stanford—Both these teams will be completely confused about which team they’re actually playing for since they both have the same mascots although this issue could possibly be solved by watching game tapes of the Kentucky-Villanova west regional first round game.