The World’s Best Super Bowl Preview

Now that we have all the pretenders out of the way, let the REAL event begin: Super Bowl commercials! Complementing all those great commercials will be a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears (Da Bears). If you are ignorant about this game, and want to know more, then just turn on ESPN this week and you will soon become an expert about every member of the Colts and Bears. By the end of the week, you can probably impress your friends by spitting out facts about every players’ or coaches’ greatest fears, first kisses, most recent arrests, etc. This will make you really cool too and get you lots of dates. Coming from me, you know it’s got to be true.

But most people, unlike me, have a life and don’t have time to sit through hours on hours of Super Bowl coverage. So as a public service, I’m going to highlight all the plotlines that make Super Bowl XLI (Extra Large Intestines) the most interesting Super Bowl ever, in terms of hype.

1. Peyton Manning—Can he finally win the Big One? For years, the critics have lashed out at Manning for being a statistical god in the regular season but always falling short in the postseason. But now that he’s finally made it to the Super Bowl, Manning can relax knowing that one more victory will stop all the Dan Marino comparisons. Although there will always be questions about who’s the better actor. I give the edge to Manning because his bad acting in those cell phone commercials is so much more entertaining than Marino’s bad acting in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

2. The Soul Bowl—For the first time in history, both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! In case you didn’t quite catch the significance of that, let me repeat it: both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! Don’t worry if you forget that piece of information as I’m sure the game announcers will remind you every 5 minutes. And while I think it’s awesome that two African-American coaches will be dueling in the Super Bowl, let’s not forget the other historical angles about this game. Like how we have the two whitest quarterbacks in Super Bowl history (Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman), the first quarterback named Manning in Super Bowl history, and the most well-armed individual in Super Bowl history (Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson).

3. The Rex Factor—Due to the inconsistent play of Chicago’s starting quarterback Rex Grossman, most Bears fans are still uneasy about their team’s offense. Fortunately, I came from the Lovie Smith school of rationalization so repeat after me: The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. See how effectively that works? It’s like they always say: “if you repeat a misleading statement enough times, people will almost start to believe it.” Almost.

4. The ’85 Bears—You may have heard about this team. They went 15-1 in the regular season and won the Super Bowl. Every Bears team from then on has been compared to that immortal squad, and I frankly think that’s unfair because times have changed. For example, the ’85 Bears created their own Super Bowl Song, but teams today aren’t nearly as creative—probably because all acts of creativity in the NFL results in a $10,000 fine nowadays. And probably also because drug use has gone down in the league.

5. Return to Miami—The last time the Super Bowl was held in Miami, Atlanta Falcons defensive back Eugene Robinson was arrested the night before the game for soliciting sex from an undercover cop. Nobody wants to see a repeat of that embarrassment so expect everyone to be on their best behavior. And if somebody does happen to step out of line, they can just ask former Miami Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban to act as their attorney. That guy really knows how to handle public relations.

6. Game Plans—Last year, the Pittsburgh Steelers drew up some nifty trick plays to help win the Super Bowl. Their opponents, the Seattle Seahawks came up with a clever game plan involving horrendous clock management and Jerramy Stevens dropping open passes. I look forward to similar ingenuity from both the Colts and Bears this year, like Adam Vinateri missing a key field goal or Rex Grossman leading an 80-yard touchdown drive. Those would totally throw the other team for a loop.

7. Run, run, run—A huge question mark looming over the Super Bowl is which Colts defense will show up: the one that gave up 100 or more yards rushing every game in the regular season or the one that has held every opponent in the playoffs to under 100 rushing yards? The Bears better hope Indy doesn’t stack eight men in the box because that’s the surefire way to stop the run. And since stacking eight men in the box would force Rex Grossman to throw the ball, that’s probably the Colt’s best bet.

8. Officiating—Last year’s Super Bowl was marred by questionable calls, and if you ask Seahawks fans, it cost their team the game. Hopefully, this year’s game will be more impartial, and judging by earlier playoff games, I say both teams will get equally shafted. And people should go easier on the referees anyways; with coaches like Marty Schottenheimer challenging even correct calls, why should referees try their hardest to make the correct ruling on the field?

Final Prediction: Colts 21, Bears 21, Adam Vinateri 3