A Positive Reflection of the Baseball Season

I want to extend my congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for their World Series triumph. What a great story because nobody (even Cardinals fans) thought you could do it except me. In the words of Stephen Colbert, "I called it!". Just go back two issues and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I'd also like to congratulate the city of St. Louis in general. You have much to be proud of because in addition to beating Detroit in World Series, you also beat them for the coveted No.1 spot in the latest annual issue of the World's Most Dangerous Cities (http://www.morganquitno.com/cit07pop.htm#25). As much hard work as it takes to win a World Championship in baseball, it takes even greater work ethic (or lack thereof) to beat out Detroit in criminal activity. And hey, just think: you also have a better football team than Detroit, better rappers named Nelly, and even a better location by virtue of being farther away from Canada. So yeah, St. Louis, you pretty much own Detroit (Cautionary note: If you're a St. Louis Citizen, don't go around bragging about this in Detroit because they might come and burn your city down. That's why I'm doing the bragging for you).

While Cardinals fans are understandably ecstatic, there are plenty of reasons for baseball fans all across the nation to celebrate too. It's been a great year in baseball; in fact I'd say it's been a flawless year in baseball if we ignore all the negative stuff that happened. Why even focus on anything bad? Like Mark McGwire, I just want to be positive. And there are so many positive things to take from this past MLB season like...

• A Clean League: Now that baseball has strict drug-testing policies in place, fans everywhere can rest assured knowing that nobody is using performance-enhancing drugs anymore. Yes, Jason Grimsley claims there are, but he's a liar. He's even lying about his own steroid use because nobody who uses steroids could remain that mediocre. Well, actually there is one steroids user left: Barry Bonds. I just can't give any benefit of the doubt to someone with such a big head, both literally and figuratively.
• No More Labor Dispute: Baseball finally reached a new labor agreement. Like most people, I have no idea what the labor issues were about but I'm chalking this down as a good thing because two sides coming to an agreement is always good. Except for the 1939 Nazi-Soviet Non-Agression Pact: that's an example of a bad agreement.
• No Yankees Title: The New York Yankees failed to win the World Series. In fact, they failed to even get out of the first round of the playoffs, thus proving that 200 million dollars can't buy a world series every year. Since the Yankees are American's most hated sports team that means the majority of baseball fans at least have the comfort that George Steinbrenner is either mad or crying (likely both). For Yankees fans the silver lining is that New Yorkers have finally found a reason to put aside their petty differences and unite for a common goal: booing Alex Rodriguez. So it's a win-win for everyone. Also, the mets lost, making it a win-win-win situation.
• No Red Sox Either: Hear the sound of whiners traveling on bandwagons? Not this year. Ahhhh, beautiful silence.
• New Cubs Manger: For decades now, the Chicago Cubs have been American's favorite loveable losers. Wanting to change that image, the Cubs hired Lou Piniella as their new manager. But don't fret my fellow Americans: Considering how Piniella fared as manager of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, he is a perfect fit to make sure the Cubs don't lose their loveable loser status.
• Hope Floats: Even though they lost, the Detroit Tigers are an inspiration to every downtrodden MLB franchise. Now every horrible team can take solace in knowing that all they need to turn around their fortunes is a good starting rotation, solid bullpen, productive lineup, and Jim Leyland. Not too much to ask, right?
• Comparative Self-Esteem: For all you fans of teams that failed to win the World Series this year, make yourself feel better by thinking: "At least I'm not a Kansas City Royals fan." And if you're a Kansas City Royals fan, make yourself feel better by thinking: "At least baseball season is over.