Duke: A History of Evil

Duke: very few words in the English language stir up so much passionate hatred. Mention Duke to any college basketball fan who doesn’t bleed dark blue, and they’ll react in the same way Tom Cruise reacts to being sprayed by water. But why would any college team incur so much wrath?

There are obvious reasons that come to mind, including Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s sideline personality, the dorky nature of Blue Devil players, their affinity for receiving beneficial calls, and the envy that goes along with consistent success over so many years. But few people know that the obsession with hating Duke results from injuries against mankind since the dawn of history. Luckily, I am one of those few people and will now divulge this secret history which the guardians of truth, masquerading as the NCAA, have hidden for centuries.

Many people know the story of the serpent who tempted Eve to eat from the forbidden tree. However, not many people know that the serpent was a Duke Blue Devil fan and only wanted mankind kicked out of the Garden of Eden so that people would have to go to colleges in order to learn, instead of God just telling them everything, and thus give rise to college basketball. Also, it is not a mere coincidence that Duke’s mascot is the Blue Devil.

Later, the world’s first Cameron Crazies came to existence in the ancient Civilization known as Atlantis. This advanced society worshipped Duke Basketball, and God punished those heathens for worshipping a false idol by drowning them under the sea. The remaining survivors went on to terrorize Medieval Europe under the banner of the Vikings.

It was during the Middle Ages that Kings began employing high-ranking noblemen called Dukes to govern various parts of their countries. These Dukes ruled with an iron fist, creating basketball leagues in which the Duke’s team always won due to timely calls by the referees. Whenever anybody would complain about the referees, they would be burned at the stake as a Heretic. This practice of executing people who dared to question officiating in Dukes’ basketball games became known as the Inquisition.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus, a basketball recruiter for the Duke of Ferdinand, discovered the New World. He promptly made all the native Indian tribes hate him by recruiting all their best athletes and leaving the rest with Smallpox.

While Napoleon and Hitler are considered the world’s first two Antichrists, most people are still trying to figure out who the third Antichrist is. What most people are only beginning to realize is that the third Antichrist was born on February, 13, 1947 and his name is Mike Krzyzewski. Kryzyzewski received Duke University’s head coaching position in basketball due to his rat-like nose, which prophecies had foretold would be the defining feature of “The Evil One.” He was gifted with the powers to scream incessantly at players and officials alike, own a permanent sneer, and imbuing players with no discernible NBA talent the ability to play at a high level in college basketball. Exhibit A of Kryzyzewski’s latter capacity came when Christian Laettner, an otherwise awkward white kid with emotional scars due to being teased as a kid because his middle name was Donald, rose to fame by making every shot—including the game-winner—in a classic 104-103 Regional Final victory over Kentucky in 1992. Duke would later win the second of their back-to-back titles. In related news, historians often consider 1991 and 1992 to be the lowest point in human history.

Duke’s reign of terror would continue throughout the 90’s and into the 21^st Century. Classic villains during that time period include Steve Wojciechowski, whose affinity for slapping the floor led to major earthquakes in California; J.J. Reddick, whose poetry made listeners’ ears bleed; and Shelden Williams, whose face made viewers’ eyes bleed. The Cameron Crazies have made a return under the guise of Duke basketball fans who paint themselves blue and camp out for tickets years in advance. Their raucous nature has been known to raise America’s terror alert to orange.

So there you have it. You have always hated Duke and wondered if your hatred was rational. Now you know that not only is it rational, but that hatred of Duke basketball is innate and results from thousands of years of injuries visited upon the human race due to the insidious Blue Devils. Go ahead and boo the men playing in the dark blue jerseys readers—it’s instinctual.