An Outdated Article for your viewing pleasure
This article was first written before the NFL season started. Unfortunately the Clemson newspaper The Tiger didn't publish it for reasons yet unknown. It's completely outdated but imagine that this is early September while you are reading this and you'll realize that this was indeed everything you needed to know about the NFL.
Everything You need to know about the NFL
With the NFL season underway, the average NFL fan will read at least 20 articles of analysis each week. But I can save you time by telling you everything you need to know about 20 teams in the NFL for the entire season. Why 20 teams only? Because by week 12, only 10 teams per conference will be vying for playoff spots. I present to you those 10 teams in each conference in order of increasing contender status starting with the…
AFC
10. San Diego Chargers-- The Phillip Rivers era starts in San Diego and if he doesn’t work out, there’s always former Clemson QB Charlie Whitehurst. You could say the Chargers are the best ACC team in the NFL.
9. Cleveland Browns— Second-year head coach Romeo Crennel is very high on starting quarterback Charlie Frye. In fact, he is high on anything that looks and sounds like “fry.”
8. Jacksonville Jaguars—After complaining all last season of not getting enough respect, reports are that the Jags will bring in Arethra Franklin to sing her signature song before every game this year. And since “it ain’t over ‘till the fat lady sings”, the Jags will also have her sing whenever they need to protect a fourth quarter lead.
7. Cincinnati Bengals—Many people are criticizing the Bengals as a team full of jailbirds but look on the bright side Bengals fans: at least nobody’s criticizing them of being losers anymore.
6. Kansas City Chiefs—The Chiefs won’t have to lobby for an expanded playoff field this year. But they might lobby for an extended game clock after dealing with Herm Edwards’ clock management skills.
5. Miami Dolphins-- The fans in Miami are excited about having Daunte Culpepper. The players in Miami are excited about Culpepper too, but for a different reason: Daunte Culpepper + Miami Girls= One Steamy Sexboat.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers—With Antwaan Randle El gone, the Steelers can’t run as many trick plays. Too bad, because with Ben Roethlisberger out, the Steelers will need as many trick plays as possible.
3. New England Patriots—The Patriots neglected to shore up their leaky secondary this offseason and then allowed Deion Branch to defect to the Jets. Still, they have Tom Brady and his metaphorical five layers of protection.
2. Indianapolis Colts—Even without Edgerrin James, the Colts are still talented enough to have another fantastic regular season and another disappointing playoff exit.
1. Houston Texans—I know you probably think I’m an idiot placing the Texans No.1, but stay with me here. The Texans MUST know something we don’t; nobody would do anything so stupid like selecting Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and not have an ace up their sleeve. Right?
NFC
10. Detroit Lions—With Jon Kitna, the Lions upgraded their quarterback situation. Not because Kitna is a good QB, but because almost any QB is an upgrade compared to Joey Harrington. If the Lions also replace Matt Millen with Kitna as GM, they’ll have another upgrade.
9. Green Bay Packers—Brett Favre was good enough to lead the league in interceptions last year. This year he’ll lead the league in both interceptions AND unnecessary news conferences.
8. Arizona Cardinals—Sure, Edgerrin James was an extremely significant acquisition but rookie quarterback Matt Leinart will have a more immediate impact, namely allowing Cardinals fans to see whats-left-of-Nick Lachey root on his USC pal.
7, New Orleans Saints— It’s nice to see good fortune smile on this team in the post-Katrina era. Not only will they have the pleasure of watching Reggie Bush play, but they’ll have the pleasure of NOT watching Aaron Brooks play anymore.
6. Dallas Cowboys—A lot of people are curious to see how Terrell Owens will co-exist with Bill Parcells, but I’m more interested in seeing the dynamics of the T.O./ Mike Vanderjagt relationship. If someone like Peyton Manning called Vanderjagt an idiot, just imagine what T.O might call him.
5. Philadelphia Eagles— Not having T.O. should help lessen distractions, but the Eagles still have Donovan McNabb. If they had Brett Favre instead, they’d win every game this season.
4. Atlanta Falcons—The Falcons had the best ground game last season. If they start Matt Schaub at quarterback, they might have a good passing game too.
3. Chicago Bears—Some people might wonder why Chicago didn’t do more to improve their anemic offense. I am not one of those people. With Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton on the quarterback roster, the Bears are the envy of every college football team.
2. Carolina Panthers—Should Jake Delhomme fail to uplift his teammates emotionally with his hyperactive nature, the Panthers cheerleaders can always go to the bathroom to keep morale high.
1. Seattle Seahawks—If Seattle returns to the Super Bowl, they should remember to make the refs like them by never saying bad things about them. Oops.
Everything You need to know about the NFL
With the NFL season underway, the average NFL fan will read at least 20 articles of analysis each week. But I can save you time by telling you everything you need to know about 20 teams in the NFL for the entire season. Why 20 teams only? Because by week 12, only 10 teams per conference will be vying for playoff spots. I present to you those 10 teams in each conference in order of increasing contender status starting with the…
AFC
10. San Diego Chargers-- The Phillip Rivers era starts in San Diego and if he doesn’t work out, there’s always former Clemson QB Charlie Whitehurst. You could say the Chargers are the best ACC team in the NFL.
9. Cleveland Browns— Second-year head coach Romeo Crennel is very high on starting quarterback Charlie Frye. In fact, he is high on anything that looks and sounds like “fry.”
8. Jacksonville Jaguars—After complaining all last season of not getting enough respect, reports are that the Jags will bring in Arethra Franklin to sing her signature song before every game this year. And since “it ain’t over ‘till the fat lady sings”, the Jags will also have her sing whenever they need to protect a fourth quarter lead.
7. Cincinnati Bengals—Many people are criticizing the Bengals as a team full of jailbirds but look on the bright side Bengals fans: at least nobody’s criticizing them of being losers anymore.
6. Kansas City Chiefs—The Chiefs won’t have to lobby for an expanded playoff field this year. But they might lobby for an extended game clock after dealing with Herm Edwards’ clock management skills.
5. Miami Dolphins-- The fans in Miami are excited about having Daunte Culpepper. The players in Miami are excited about Culpepper too, but for a different reason: Daunte Culpepper + Miami Girls= One Steamy Sexboat.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers—With Antwaan Randle El gone, the Steelers can’t run as many trick plays. Too bad, because with Ben Roethlisberger out, the Steelers will need as many trick plays as possible.
3. New England Patriots—The Patriots neglected to shore up their leaky secondary this offseason and then allowed Deion Branch to defect to the Jets. Still, they have Tom Brady and his metaphorical five layers of protection.
2. Indianapolis Colts—Even without Edgerrin James, the Colts are still talented enough to have another fantastic regular season and another disappointing playoff exit.
1. Houston Texans—I know you probably think I’m an idiot placing the Texans No.1, but stay with me here. The Texans MUST know something we don’t; nobody would do anything so stupid like selecting Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and not have an ace up their sleeve. Right?
NFC
10. Detroit Lions—With Jon Kitna, the Lions upgraded their quarterback situation. Not because Kitna is a good QB, but because almost any QB is an upgrade compared to Joey Harrington. If the Lions also replace Matt Millen with Kitna as GM, they’ll have another upgrade.
9. Green Bay Packers—Brett Favre was good enough to lead the league in interceptions last year. This year he’ll lead the league in both interceptions AND unnecessary news conferences.
8. Arizona Cardinals—Sure, Edgerrin James was an extremely significant acquisition but rookie quarterback Matt Leinart will have a more immediate impact, namely allowing Cardinals fans to see whats-left-of-Nick Lachey root on his USC pal.
7, New Orleans Saints— It’s nice to see good fortune smile on this team in the post-Katrina era. Not only will they have the pleasure of watching Reggie Bush play, but they’ll have the pleasure of NOT watching Aaron Brooks play anymore.
6. Dallas Cowboys—A lot of people are curious to see how Terrell Owens will co-exist with Bill Parcells, but I’m more interested in seeing the dynamics of the T.O./ Mike Vanderjagt relationship. If someone like Peyton Manning called Vanderjagt an idiot, just imagine what T.O might call him.
5. Philadelphia Eagles— Not having T.O. should help lessen distractions, but the Eagles still have Donovan McNabb. If they had Brett Favre instead, they’d win every game this season.
4. Atlanta Falcons—The Falcons had the best ground game last season. If they start Matt Schaub at quarterback, they might have a good passing game too.
3. Chicago Bears—Some people might wonder why Chicago didn’t do more to improve their anemic offense. I am not one of those people. With Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton on the quarterback roster, the Bears are the envy of every college football team.
2. Carolina Panthers—Should Jake Delhomme fail to uplift his teammates emotionally with his hyperactive nature, the Panthers cheerleaders can always go to the bathroom to keep morale high.
1. Seattle Seahawks—If Seattle returns to the Super Bowl, they should remember to make the refs like them by never saying bad things about them. Oops.
posted by James Li at
2:02 PM
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