College Football bowl Guide

The holiday season means the end of the college football regular season and the beginning of the college football playoffs. Let that last sentence sink in for a moment. I’m waiting... get the joke now? There is no such thing as a college football playoff; I just wanted to make sure you are actually wide awake while reading this column because I understand that if you are a college student like me, go to a school like mine, and that school happens to be called Clemson University, then there is a good chance that you have been studying for final exams and thus have forgotten what it feels like to sleep.

What college football offers instead of a playoff system is so much cooler: bowl games! Every football fan knows that if you insert the word “bowl” after a descriptive name, then that makes it a special event, i.e., Super Bowl, Pro Bowl, Manning Bowl. College football has 32 of these amazing “bowl” events, giving diehard sports fans the opportunity to never do their Christmas shopping.

But most of you will want to do Christmas shopping. No, wait, scratch that. Most of you will be obligated to do your Christmas shopping (that’s much better). And in addition to shopping, you will have to deal with multitudes of families and friends at social gatherings provided that you actually have a life. Unfortunately, this means you can’t watch every bowl game. Fortunately, I have compiled a list of only the most important bowl games that must be watched so you can have your college football fix and still have the rest of the time this holiday season to physically harm somebody for the last available PS3.

Poinsettia Bowl, Dec. 19

Northen Illinois vs. TCU: This is the first bowl game played so it obviously has to be good. In fact I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that this will be one of the two greatest Poinsettia Bowls ever played.

Las Vegas Bowl, Dec. 21

Oregon vs. BYU: When I saw that BYU was going to play in the Las Vegas Bowl, I knew I had to watch this game now. A Mormon school playing in Las Vegas just spells trouble. Imagine what wild, alcohol-free activities the BYU players will be partaking in under the bright lights of Sin City? Too bad I’ll never find out because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Armed Forces Bowl, Dec. 23

Utah vs. Tulsa: This bowl is called the Armed Forces Bowl and yet I don’t see a single military school playing in the game. They should have at least extended an invitation to the Miami Hurricanes, whose players have shown a talent for militant behavior.

Hawaii Bowl, Dec. 23

Arizona State vs. Hawaii: Many people probably think that it is hard for visiting teams to focus properly in Hawaii due to all the fun distractions on the island. However, this will not be the case for Sun Devil players because the vacation-like atmosphere of Hawaii will be no different from the vacation-like atmosphere of attending school at Arizona State.

Motor City Bowl, Dec. 26

Central Michigan vs. Middle Tennessee State: Everybody should tune in to watch this game in order to make sure that both teams are in fact playing in a bowl game. I know I won’t believe it until I see it with my own eyes. If, in fact, this is true, then kudos to bowl officials for choosing two teams located in the central (middle) part of their respective states.

Chick-fil-A Bowl, Dec. 30

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia: The Bowl formerly known as the Peach Bowl has officially changed its name to a restaurant that serves high-fat food in order to better relate to the average American.

Gator Bowl, Jan.1

Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia: While Pat White and Steve Slaton of the Mountaineers will be the pro prospects in the spotlight for this game, don’t forget about Yellow Jacket’s QB Reggie Ball. In his last two games, against Georgia and Wake Forest, Ball went 6 of 22 for 42 yards and 9 of 29 for 129 yards, respectively. In other words, Reggie Ball will probably be the next starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

Outback Bowl, Jan.1

Tennessee vs. Penn State: Two of college football’s most winning active coaches will meet in what should certainly amount to an epic X’s and O’s battle. Both coaches can learn from each other, as Phil Fulmer can teach Joe Paterno how to dig up and report NCAA violations on inter-conference rivals while Paterno can reveal to Fulmer how to best deal with players accused of sexual assault. Personally, I think Paterno should try to add some spice to this game by saying something like “you can’t spell Outback without UT.” That would be such a witty and original quote.

Rose Bowl, Jan. 1

Michigan vs. USC: The Wolverines can’t believe they got passed over for the National Championship game, the Trojans can’t believe they lost their shot at the National Championship by losing to UCLA, and college football fans can’t believe the Rose Bowl finally involves a Big 10 vs. Pac-10 match-up again.

Fiesta Bowl, Jan. 1

Boise State vs. Oklahoma: You are probably thinking that Oklahoma will crush Boise State. But consider that the last time a mid-major team (Utah) played in a BCS game, it was the mid-major team ending up on the winning side of a blow-out (35-7 over Pittsburgh). Also consider that the last time Oklahoma played in a BCS game, they were on the wrong side of a blow-out (55-19 to USC). I’m not saying there’s not going to be a rout; I’m just saying that it’s not certain which team will be doing the routing. So tune in to see which team will win this game 45-17, and if the Sooners lose, be sure to watch for post-game developments in case Oklahoma’s President David Boren decides to challenge the results and blame Pac-10 officials.

Orange Bowl, Jan. 2

Wake Forest vs. Louisville: Don’t miss this game because Wake Forest playing in a BCS bowl is like Halley’s Comet: a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Sugar Bowl, Jan.3

Notre Dame vs. LSU: Gather around with your family to watch the fast-growing holiday tradition of Notre Dame getting absolutely outmatched in a January bowl game. Like another holiday mainstay, It’s a Wonderful Life, this tradition also has a heart-warming ending (Notre Dame losing) that will bring smiles to millions of Americans.

BCS Championship, Jan.8

Ohio State vs. Florida: This may be Urban Meyer’s only shot at winning a national championship with the Gators because I heard that Hillary Clinton has asked if Meyer would be interested in being her campaign manager for the 2008 Presidential elections. Apparently, Hillary was extremely impressed with Meyer’s ability to sway voters in the human polls to vote Florida ahead of Michigan. If I were Meyer, I’d accept Hillary’s offer immediately since she may not be so impressed with my strategic skills after Ohio State destroys Florida in the Championship game. And after I accepted the offer, I would go about sabotaging the campaign because the only thing worse than the BCS is Hillary Clinton being President of the United States.