My Apologies
Last week I came across an e-mail that made me realize just how popular my sports blog has become. You know you've made it big time in the blogosphere when you've received your first piece of hate mail. And what angry, socially-inept, poorly educated person decided to honor me with this act of revulsion? Why it's one of our leprechaun-loving friends who worships at the Church of Notre Dame. As a public service (and by special request from certain people), I am posting the e-mail sent to me by this venerable Notre Dame fan; however, to respect his privacy, I will refrain from including his real name but instead refer to him only as "Rob M."
Subject:
Go Screw yourself
From:
Rob M. <rob@ae2.com>
Date:
Tue, December 12, 2006 12:57 pm
To:
JLLI@CLEMSON.EDU
ACC trash....anti-Catholic fundamentalist ND Hater.
Now, I'm assuming that this piece of mumble jumble is in response to my last article, in which I compared Notre Dame losing to the uplifting conclusion of It's a Wonderful Life. Apparently, Rob M. didn't take note of my blog being titled The Punchline or understand the meaning of humor. But it's ok Rob; plenty of people have never been able to completely grasp the concept of humor. Look at Charlie Weis: you think that guy has ever cracked a joke in his life? And yet he's made a success out of himself so there's still hope for you Rob. Perhaps one day you too can become an overrated coach of an overrated college football team.
But let me move on and try to address your, um... criticism. First, your letter didn't contain a single complete sentence. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you had to hurry your writing because there were so many more hate mails you had to complete.
Secondly, you referred to me as a "fundamentalist" Notre Dame hater. What does that even mean? Are you trying to suggest that a Christian fundamentalist would disagree with the religious teachings at Notre Dame? If so, does that mean Catholicism does not follow The Bible to the strictest word? Is there something you are trying to tell me that I don't know about Notre Dame from a religious point-of-view?
Third, and most importantly, you called me anti-catholic. All I did was make fun of your favorite school and suddenly I'm hating on the entire Catholic Church? I didn't realize Notre Dame held the same sanctity as the Pope. Actually, the university is probably more important than the Pope seeing as how NBC has never offered the Pope a huge TV contract. But I digress. Insulting Notre Dame does not automatically equate to insulting Catholicism, Rob. Try to tone down your paranoia. Plus, doesn't Notre Dame do enough to insult Catholicism? Haha, just kidding about that last remark. It's a joke, get it? Emphasis on the word joke. Joke.
But all is not lost with your e-mail, Rob. You did manage to open my eyes and make me rethink some of the things I have written about other people and schools. In retrospect, I may have been too harsh with some of my words and ,because I don't want everybody to hate me like they hate Notre Dame, I've decided to take this time and apologize to everyone I may have offended.
I would like to apologize to Mormons everywhere for making of BYU. I am sure Mormons are actually quite fun to hang out with and can throw a mean party befitting of an average college student. Additionally, I admire the religious fervor Mormons display in their beliefs... even if they are absolutely wrong.
Next, I want to apologize to the University of Miami football team. I've been harsh on you guys lately but understand that it's all in jest and that, in fact, I really respect and admire your program. You guys are absolutely wonderful. Really. Please don't hunt me down and beat me up.
I'd like to apologize to Arizona State for suggesting that their educational environment is as laid-back as a Hawaiian vacation. The educational environment at Arizona State is much more laid-back.
I would also like to apologize to Phil Fulmer for insinuating that he's a snitch. I'm sure Phil didn't voluntarily reveal Alabam's NCAA violations but was instead coerced into that action because bacon was being withheld from him until he did it.
I want to apologize to Chris Rix for giving him such a hard since the inception of this blog. I actually appreciate your quarterbacking genius, Chris. In fact, I wish you could be quarterback every year at Florida State, and I say that with complete sincerity.
I need to extend an apology to Wake Forest for calling their BCS bowl berth a once-in-a-lifetime event like Halley's Comet, which comes every 76 years. But the lifespan of an average human being has gotten longer to the point in which people can view Halley's comet twice in their lifetime. So Wake Forest playing in a BCS bowl is actually a twice-in-a-lifetime experience.
And finally, I want to deliver a heartfelt apology to Hillary Clinton for intimating that she isn't Presidential material. Senator, if you're reading this, I want you to know I think you have what it takes to become the greatest female President in history. Put it this way: if you somehow run unopposed in 2008, I will definitely not vote against you.
Subject:
Go Screw yourself
From:
Rob M. <rob@ae2.com>
Date:
Tue, December 12, 2006 12:57 pm
To:
JLLI@CLEMSON.EDU
ACC trash....anti-Catholic fundamentalist ND Hater.
Now, I'm assuming that this piece of mumble jumble is in response to my last article, in which I compared Notre Dame losing to the uplifting conclusion of It's a Wonderful Life. Apparently, Rob M. didn't take note of my blog being titled The Punchline or understand the meaning of humor. But it's ok Rob; plenty of people have never been able to completely grasp the concept of humor. Look at Charlie Weis: you think that guy has ever cracked a joke in his life? And yet he's made a success out of himself so there's still hope for you Rob. Perhaps one day you too can become an overrated coach of an overrated college football team.
But let me move on and try to address your, um... criticism. First, your letter didn't contain a single complete sentence. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you had to hurry your writing because there were so many more hate mails you had to complete.
Secondly, you referred to me as a "fundamentalist" Notre Dame hater. What does that even mean? Are you trying to suggest that a Christian fundamentalist would disagree with the religious teachings at Notre Dame? If so, does that mean Catholicism does not follow The Bible to the strictest word? Is there something you are trying to tell me that I don't know about Notre Dame from a religious point-of-view?
Third, and most importantly, you called me anti-catholic. All I did was make fun of your favorite school and suddenly I'm hating on the entire Catholic Church? I didn't realize Notre Dame held the same sanctity as the Pope. Actually, the university is probably more important than the Pope seeing as how NBC has never offered the Pope a huge TV contract. But I digress. Insulting Notre Dame does not automatically equate to insulting Catholicism, Rob. Try to tone down your paranoia. Plus, doesn't Notre Dame do enough to insult Catholicism? Haha, just kidding about that last remark. It's a joke, get it? Emphasis on the word joke. Joke.
But all is not lost with your e-mail, Rob. You did manage to open my eyes and make me rethink some of the things I have written about other people and schools. In retrospect, I may have been too harsh with some of my words and ,because I don't want everybody to hate me like they hate Notre Dame, I've decided to take this time and apologize to everyone I may have offended.
I would like to apologize to Mormons everywhere for making of BYU. I am sure Mormons are actually quite fun to hang out with and can throw a mean party befitting of an average college student. Additionally, I admire the religious fervor Mormons display in their beliefs... even if they are absolutely wrong.
Next, I want to apologize to the University of Miami football team. I've been harsh on you guys lately but understand that it's all in jest and that, in fact, I really respect and admire your program. You guys are absolutely wonderful. Really. Please don't hunt me down and beat me up.
I'd like to apologize to Arizona State for suggesting that their educational environment is as laid-back as a Hawaiian vacation. The educational environment at Arizona State is much more laid-back.
I would also like to apologize to Phil Fulmer for insinuating that he's a snitch. I'm sure Phil didn't voluntarily reveal Alabam's NCAA violations but was instead coerced into that action because bacon was being withheld from him until he did it.
I want to apologize to Chris Rix for giving him such a hard since the inception of this blog. I actually appreciate your quarterbacking genius, Chris. In fact, I wish you could be quarterback every year at Florida State, and I say that with complete sincerity.
I need to extend an apology to Wake Forest for calling their BCS bowl berth a once-in-a-lifetime event like Halley's Comet, which comes every 76 years. But the lifespan of an average human being has gotten longer to the point in which people can view Halley's comet twice in their lifetime. So Wake Forest playing in a BCS bowl is actually a twice-in-a-lifetime experience.
And finally, I want to deliver a heartfelt apology to Hillary Clinton for intimating that she isn't Presidential material. Senator, if you're reading this, I want you to know I think you have what it takes to become the greatest female President in history. Put it this way: if you somehow run unopposed in 2008, I will definitely not vote against you.
posted by James Li at
7:07 PM
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