Showing the Christmas Spirit
Now that Thanksgiving is over, everybody in the nation is busy preparing for Christmas… except for Jew. Like normal Americans, people in the sports world also sports world also have Christmas wish lists and being a great buddy of Kris Kringle, he allowed me to see what sports icons have asked Santa to bring them this year.
Steve Spurrier: Please send me a year’s supply of visors. Also, I need enough laptops to give to each one of my players.
Bob Knight: I would really appreciate some new chairs structurally designed so they won’t break so easily when I throw them at a referee in a fit of rage.
John Daly: I’m not asking for much. A few cases of Miller Lite will do. Actually, make that a Coors Lite. You know what? Give me both. And maybe true love. Ha ha, just kidding about that last part; who needs love when you’ve got beer?
Phil Fulmer: Santa, could you use your magical powers to procure for me tangible evidence of NCAA violations Alabama has committed? If not, I would be satisfied with lots and lots of bacon.
Ken Griffey, Jr.: All I want for Christmas is good health. At least good enough health so I can play up to 40 games this upcoming season.
Terrell Owens: For Christmas, I would like a list of ways I can obtain more publicity. I’m starting to run out of ideas.
Roger Clemens: Is there any way you can get Brett Favre to stop holding press conferences about whether he has made a decision on whether he’s retiring or not? It deflects too much attention away from my annual mid-season retirement decision.
Brett Favre: For my Christmas present, can you get Roger Clemens to stay retired so I can have a monopoly on oversaturated media coverage?
Curt Schilling: All I want for Christmas is world peace because that’s just how great of a person I am. A statue of me would be nice too so I can marvel at how wonderful of a person I am and perhaps I could even donate it to a children’s center somewhere in a phony attempt at charity that’s actually just a cover for getting more phony good press.
Roger Federer: I want an instructional video on how to have a personality. The one Tim Duncan sent me didn’t work.
Lance Armstrong: Hey Santa, my friend Matt McConaughey wants to know if you have any teenage daughters with long legs who he can race against. Then afterwards, we can both take her out for a good time.
Matt Leinart: Can please you tell your daughter that she left her stockings in my... er Nick Lachey’s bedroom?
Ralph Friedgen: If you give me a lifetime supply of doughnuts, I’ll never ask for anything from you again, Santa.
A.J. Pierzynski: A punching bag with Michael Barrett’s face on it.
Michelle Wie: This isn’t for me, but my “friend” has some troubles following all the rules and etiquette of golf and would appreciate a comprehensive rule book. Once again, this is not for me, but you should send it to my address so I can forward it to my “friend.”
Chris Rix: All I want for Christmas is a handicapped parking tag.
Jim Tressel: More sweater vests.
Alex Rodriguez: If it’s possible, I would love to receive a time machine so I can go back in time and never sign with the Yankees.
Barry Bonds: I haven’t been as much of a jerk as usual lately and have only made 400 or 500 more people absolutely despise me in the past year. Does this mean I’m on the good list now?
Steve Spurrier: Please send me a year’s supply of visors. Also, I need enough laptops to give to each one of my players.
Bob Knight: I would really appreciate some new chairs structurally designed so they won’t break so easily when I throw them at a referee in a fit of rage.
John Daly: I’m not asking for much. A few cases of Miller Lite will do. Actually, make that a Coors Lite. You know what? Give me both. And maybe true love. Ha ha, just kidding about that last part; who needs love when you’ve got beer?
Phil Fulmer: Santa, could you use your magical powers to procure for me tangible evidence of NCAA violations Alabama has committed? If not, I would be satisfied with lots and lots of bacon.
Ken Griffey, Jr.: All I want for Christmas is good health. At least good enough health so I can play up to 40 games this upcoming season.
Terrell Owens: For Christmas, I would like a list of ways I can obtain more publicity. I’m starting to run out of ideas.
Roger Clemens: Is there any way you can get Brett Favre to stop holding press conferences about whether he has made a decision on whether he’s retiring or not? It deflects too much attention away from my annual mid-season retirement decision.
Brett Favre: For my Christmas present, can you get Roger Clemens to stay retired so I can have a monopoly on oversaturated media coverage?
Curt Schilling: All I want for Christmas is world peace because that’s just how great of a person I am. A statue of me would be nice too so I can marvel at how wonderful of a person I am and perhaps I could even donate it to a children’s center somewhere in a phony attempt at charity that’s actually just a cover for getting more phony good press.
Roger Federer: I want an instructional video on how to have a personality. The one Tim Duncan sent me didn’t work.
Lance Armstrong: Hey Santa, my friend Matt McConaughey wants to know if you have any teenage daughters with long legs who he can race against. Then afterwards, we can both take her out for a good time.
Matt Leinart: Can please you tell your daughter that she left her stockings in my... er Nick Lachey’s bedroom?
Ralph Friedgen: If you give me a lifetime supply of doughnuts, I’ll never ask for anything from you again, Santa.
A.J. Pierzynski: A punching bag with Michael Barrett’s face on it.
Michelle Wie: This isn’t for me, but my “friend” has some troubles following all the rules and etiquette of golf and would appreciate a comprehensive rule book. Once again, this is not for me, but you should send it to my address so I can forward it to my “friend.”
Chris Rix: All I want for Christmas is a handicapped parking tag.
Jim Tressel: More sweater vests.
Alex Rodriguez: If it’s possible, I would love to receive a time machine so I can go back in time and never sign with the Yankees.
Barry Bonds: I haven’t been as much of a jerk as usual lately and have only made 400 or 500 more people absolutely despise me in the past year. Does this mean I’m on the good list now?
posted by James Li at
6:38 AM
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