Things I've learned from the NBA Finals Thusfar

1. Greg Poppovich was apparently mad at his team for not playing hard after carrying a 27-point lead into the 4th quarter. Not that this is new stuff for the Spurs--they did the same thing in Games 1 and 2 of the Western Conference Finals against Utah. I understand Poppovich, being the great coach that he is, adheres to the wise sports saying "It's not over till the fat lady sings." Unfortunately, there just aren't many fat ladies in San Antonio, and even less that can sing. Now Cleveland might be a different story. The Spurs better watch out in C-town because there are definitely fat ladies there, and some of them may even be able to sing.

2. A lesser known sports saying that the San Antonio Spurs are trying to impress on the public: "It's not over until you have an insurmountable lead after three quarters against an overmatched opponent."

3. It's taken me a while, but after much consideration I've decided that Manu Ginobli is indeed the greatest NBA player ever from Argentina. I know many people will think I'm being a tad hasty in reaching that conclusion, but trust me when I say it wasn't easy comparing Ginobli to all the past Argentine greats who played in the NBA. That's what this blog is for: Doing the hard work other sportswriters won't do.

4. Speaking of Manu Ginobli, the guy gets a bad rap for his flopping. But what about Cleveland's Anderson Varejao? Varejao led the NBA this year in charges taken, which sounds to me like "most successful flops." And you know Varejao has been practicing his "art" for many years because he took the time to grow his hair in such a way so that it would cushion his fall. At least that's the only reason I could think of why Varejao would grow his hair that way.

5. I think I've figured out why Tony Parker is has been so hard to defend in these NBA playoffs. Eva Langoria's holding out in bed until the playoffs are over has the San Antonio point guard trying everything he can to win the championship as soon as possible. No wonder Parker has had only one speed thusfar in the series: really, really, ridiculously fast. The man is playing for a prize greater than any championship ring and he's racing to the finish line (literally and figuratively). Too bad for the Cavaliers Lebron James's girlfriend won't make the same committment to helping out the team as Eva Langoria has for the Spurs.

6. This has nothing to do with the NBA Finals, but I just want to take this time to congratulate the Arizona Wildcats Softball team that just won their second straight NCAA title. Because I didn't cover the College Softball World Series at all, I'm going to make it up to everyone by pointing out the single most important detail about the CSWS: Arizona pitcher Taryne Mowatt is SMOKING HOT! You can all thank me later for that link, which I know most of you are checking out already. Nobody can ever say I don't give back to the community.

5 Things I thought while Roger Federer was Ending Rafael Nadal's 81-match clay court winning streak

1. It's amazing how the two players are able to play up to the stereotypes of their respective countries. Rafael Nadal plays up to the fiery, energetic reputation you would expect of a Spaniard while Roger Federer is swiss cool personified. I wonder if this match-the-trait-to-their-country thing works for every tennis player. Let's see: Andy Roddick is an American, Americans are known for winning at everything, and Andy Roddick wins...sometimes...um...well, maybe this idea doesn't work out as perfectly as I expected.

2. Just ONE day after I posted an article about Nadal's invincibility on Clay and predicting his streak would reach the 120's (http://invisibleline.blogspot.com/), Federer beats him and I look like an absolute fool Great job there, Nadal. You couldn't even give me the courtesy of a week's grace period before proving me wrong.

However, this unfortunate incident got me thinking: Could I have cursed Nadal with my article? Hey, you never know. Maybe like the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx and the Madden Cover Jinx, we should add the "James Li lavishes praise on you in his blog" Jinx, except my particular jinx would only work on streaks I honor. Further tests will be needed though in order to prove if this jinx is geniuine, so expect articles coming up soon where I will pay tribute to Clemson football's 15-year streak of not winning the ACC title followed by another article applauding Clemson basketball's 52-game losing streak in Chapel Hill to North Carolina.

3. While Nadal's winning streak came to an end in Hamburg, another streak was extended last weekend, albeit not a good one. With Curling's photo finish victory over Street Sense in the Preakness, it's now been 29 years since a horse has won the Triple Crown. Is it too much to ask for just one Triple Crown winner in my lifetime? In any sport? Besides Kobayashi's "Triple Crown" win last year in eating contests?

And if Nadal's and Street Sense's failures weren't enough, the Braves lost their series to the Red Sox. So, yeah, last weekend wasn't the greatest of sports weekends for me. It's a good thing my life doesn't revolve soley around sports or else I'd be suffering a mental breakdown. As it is, I am merely 95% unhappy.

4. Interesting fact: Hamburg is the birthplace of hamburgers. That explains why there's no ham in hamburgers. Another interesting fact: Rafael Nadal was not named after the red-masked Ninja Turtle. That explains why he doesn't walk around sporting a pair of sai.

5. This is totally unrelated, but wouldn't it be great if Bud Selig's excuse for being absent for Barry Bond's 756th home run was because Selig had to attend jury duty? And then the press finds out that "jury duty" consisted of Selig testifying on behalf of Floyd Landis, followed by Jesse Jackson publicy denouncing Selig as a racist hypocrite and Skip Bayless's head literally exploding while talking about the subject on ESPN's First and 10 segment? To top it all off, this leads to a chain of events which ultimately climaxes with David Stern revealing that he and Bud Selig have had an ongoing bet to see which guy could do a worse job as commissioner. Wouldn't this be a perfect hollywood script? And if not, do I have way too much time on my hands?

How to better yourself through sports

Self-improvement is something we all strive for in life (except O.j. Simpson). Each of us know we can become better people or make our lives better if we change certain aspects of our lives or take on new tasks to create meaning in our lives. Even sports fans can apply their obsessive hobby into means for a better existence by following these 10 tips:


1. And then “The Punchline” fired me
To distance yourself as far away as possible from Don Imus, create a voodoo doll in his form and stick pins in it. That should teach the racist punk a lesson. But be careful where you stick the pins: Imus is a really old man so sticking needles in certain parts of his body might accidentally become acupuncture therapy for his arthritis, rheumatism, or general senility.

2. Fantasy baseball pick-me-ups
Despite what you think, your fantasy baseball team sucks. But don’t fret: With just a couple of changes, you can improve your roster so that it can contend with the best of the best. First, ditch your current first baseman for Julio Franco. Sure, RBI’s and Home Runs are great, but good teams have valuable experience on the roster. Franco is so old that he provides three teams’ worth of experience and can calm his teammates down in pressure situations by telling them stories of what it was like to face the British at Bunker Hill. That type of stuff might not earn your fantasy team points but will have an intangible effect that will ultimately put your team over the top.

If you can, try improving your depth chart at shortstop by picking up Cesar Izturis of the Chicago Cubs. His .259 lifetime batting average may seem mediocre, but that just means he’s not taking steroids, which means you won’t have to worry about any investigations that would distract him off the field. And yes, he’s only played a total of 61 games the past three seasons, but remember that he plays for the Cubs, so he’s due for a reversal of fortune.

3. Fantasy baseball No-no’s
On the flip side, consider getting rid of some junk from your roster. Alex Rodriguez is a good player to start with, because while he’ll provide you with great offensive numbers, he’s also a player known for not coming through in the clutch. We all know how important the “clutch factor” is to the scoring system in Fantasy Baseball.
Another player you might want to let go is Daisuke Matsuzaka. Despite all the hype, I’m just not sure about his gyro ball. Apparently, the point of the gyro ball is that it doesn’t move at all. How is that supposed to strike out people?

4. Stay Away from the Arcades
Pac-man Jones was suspended by the NFL for half of next season for his numerous off-field problems. That means Jones will have plenty of free time to terrorize the public. I suggest avoiding Pac-man video games with Jones present because if you beat his high score, he might (will) shoot you.

5. ...And also Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson's Court date for DUI and drug possession has been set in August, which means he's going to be a very angry man until then. I suggest staying at least 5 states away from Tyson just to be on the safe side. Actually, Alaska might be your best bet.

6. Kobe Bryant explosion
Nobody in the NBA, except for Gilbert Arenas, has a bigger chip on his shoulder than Kobe Bryant. If you are out playing some pick-up basketball with your friends and Bryant shows up, your best bet is to run like 50 Cent is chasing you with a gun because Kobe won't hesitate to pour 100 on you guys and then laugh in your face while screaming about Shaq.

7. Let go of Curt Schilling
Shame on you for thinking the accusations about Curt Schilling doctoring his sock to look bloody being true. Sure, Schilling's an attention hog, but he would never stoop that low. And the Red Sox wouldn't want him to stoop that low either because at Schilling's age, any type of stooping could cause a back injury.

8. Avoid Hockey
Be sure to support our troops by making sure not to watch the NHL playoffs. Few things in life show what a proud American you are than refusing to support Canada's pasttime.

9. Going Ape-wild
Verizon Heritage winner Boo Weekley said he once got knocked out by an Orangutan. Talk about the hall of shame. If this ever happens to you, it's best to keep a low profile. One good way to do this is not getting a mullet and not becoming a PGA tour winner.

10. Root against the Yankees
It's becoming harder with each passing year to hate the yankees with fervent passion as they haven't won the world series since 2000, historically choked away a 3-0 lead in the 2004 ALCS to their archrivals, and seem embroiled in dysfunctional relationships between players and staff alike. But remember that these are the New York Yankees, the same Yankees who have plucked the best players from your favorite teams, the same Yankees who own a payroll that exceeds the GDP of small nations, the same Yankees who like to snack on babies in their leisure time. Prevent yourself from crossing over to the dark side by reciting those facts in your head. It is your civic duty to loathe the New York Yankees. None of the other self-improvement tips will help if you are a fan of the bronx bombers.

Duke: A History of Evil

Duke: very few words in the English language stir up so much passionate hatred. Mention Duke to any college basketball fan who doesn’t bleed dark blue, and they’ll react in the same way Tom Cruise reacts to being sprayed by water. But why would any college team incur so much wrath?

There are obvious reasons that come to mind, including Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s sideline personality, the dorky nature of Blue Devil players, their affinity for receiving beneficial calls, and the envy that goes along with consistent success over so many years. But few people know that the obsession with hating Duke results from injuries against mankind since the dawn of history. Luckily, I am one of those few people and will now divulge this secret history which the guardians of truth, masquerading as the NCAA, have hidden for centuries.

Many people know the story of the serpent who tempted Eve to eat from the forbidden tree. However, not many people know that the serpent was a Duke Blue Devil fan and only wanted mankind kicked out of the Garden of Eden so that people would have to go to colleges in order to learn, instead of God just telling them everything, and thus give rise to college basketball. Also, it is not a mere coincidence that Duke’s mascot is the Blue Devil.

Later, the world’s first Cameron Crazies came to existence in the ancient Civilization known as Atlantis. This advanced society worshipped Duke Basketball, and God punished those heathens for worshipping a false idol by drowning them under the sea. The remaining survivors went on to terrorize Medieval Europe under the banner of the Vikings.

It was during the Middle Ages that Kings began employing high-ranking noblemen called Dukes to govern various parts of their countries. These Dukes ruled with an iron fist, creating basketball leagues in which the Duke’s team always won due to timely calls by the referees. Whenever anybody would complain about the referees, they would be burned at the stake as a Heretic. This practice of executing people who dared to question officiating in Dukes’ basketball games became known as the Inquisition.

In 1492, Christopher Columbus, a basketball recruiter for the Duke of Ferdinand, discovered the New World. He promptly made all the native Indian tribes hate him by recruiting all their best athletes and leaving the rest with Smallpox.

While Napoleon and Hitler are considered the world’s first two Antichrists, most people are still trying to figure out who the third Antichrist is. What most people are only beginning to realize is that the third Antichrist was born on February, 13, 1947 and his name is Mike Krzyzewski. Kryzyzewski received Duke University’s head coaching position in basketball due to his rat-like nose, which prophecies had foretold would be the defining feature of “The Evil One.” He was gifted with the powers to scream incessantly at players and officials alike, own a permanent sneer, and imbuing players with no discernible NBA talent the ability to play at a high level in college basketball. Exhibit A of Kryzyzewski’s latter capacity came when Christian Laettner, an otherwise awkward white kid with emotional scars due to being teased as a kid because his middle name was Donald, rose to fame by making every shot—including the game-winner—in a classic 104-103 Regional Final victory over Kentucky in 1992. Duke would later win the second of their back-to-back titles. In related news, historians often consider 1991 and 1992 to be the lowest point in human history.

Duke’s reign of terror would continue throughout the 90’s and into the 21^st Century. Classic villains during that time period include Steve Wojciechowski, whose affinity for slapping the floor led to major earthquakes in California; J.J. Reddick, whose poetry made listeners’ ears bleed; and Shelden Williams, whose face made viewers’ eyes bleed. The Cameron Crazies have made a return under the guise of Duke basketball fans who paint themselves blue and camp out for tickets years in advance. Their raucous nature has been known to raise America’s terror alert to orange.

So there you have it. You have always hated Duke and wondered if your hatred was rational. Now you know that not only is it rational, but that hatred of Duke basketball is innate and results from thousands of years of injuries visited upon the human race due to the insidious Blue Devils. Go ahead and boo the men playing in the dark blue jerseys readers—it’s instinctual.

Making a Sweet Sixteen Truly Super

Recently, a family got Peyton Manning to show up at their daughter’s sweet sixteen party for a whopping sum of 200,000 dollars. Three thoughts immediately popped into my head upon hearing this news: 1) This family is really, really rich and their ability to flaunt their wealth like that makes other countries hate us even more 2) How come my parents never invited a famous athlete to my sweet sixteen, and more importantly, why didn’t I ever have a sweet sixteen? 3) Of all the athletes they could have gotten, why Peyton Manning?

The third thought is probably the most interesting. Maybe the daughter’s favorite athlete was Peyton Manning, or maybe their family are huge Indianapolis Colts fans, or maybe the mom’s brother’s best friend’s roommate’s girlfriend was homecoming queen at the University of Tennessee and sang “Rocky Top” with Manning. I’m not sure what the reason could be but what I am sure of is that I hope they air this party on the MTV show “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Until then I can only daydream about what happened at that girl’s party…

5:00 P.M.—Although the party doesn’t start for another hour, Peyton Manning shows up an hour early for pre-party warm-ups. This is his time to get a feel for the atmosphere of the home and the field conditions in the family’s backyard. He orders the family members to run scrimmages of what the party will be like.

6:00 P.M.—Manning greets the girl’s friends with the line “Hi, I’m Peyton Manning, Super Bowl MVP.” All the teenage boys ask Manning for his autograph and all the teenage girls ask him if he can get them Tom Brady’s autograph.

7:00 P.M.—Manning moves slower than anybody in the food line due to his constantly calling audibles over what food he puts on his plate. He also repeatedly gets up for seconds until he finds the perfect route around the line to get the best food.

8:00 P.M.—Manning plays backyard football with the girl’s dad and some of her guy friends. Everything is going well until the dad breaks his wrist trying to catch a ball from Manning’s “laser rocket arm.”

9:00 P.M.—Peyton Manning entertains guests at the party by dressing up in disguises and referring to himself in the third person.

10:00 P.M.—Manning asks the girl’s dad about restructuring his payment for coming to the party that would allow Manning to receive a 10,000 dollar bonus for “going all the way” with the girl’s mom.

11:00 P.M.—Manning dances with some of the teenage girls at the party and afterwards, comments that some of the girls need to “improve on their footwork and timing.”

12:00 A.M.—At the strike of midnight, party guests stand outside to wait for the big birthday gift the parents have given their daughter. To everybody’s surprise, it’s Eli Manning with an engagement ring in his hand. He promptly proposes to the daughter and the two ride off to spend their honeymoon at Archie Manning’s mansion.

Tips to Filling Out the Perfect Bracket

You’ve done your 37 hours of research. You’ve watched every ESPN expert’s pick and every basketball columnist’s tips. You’ve consulted the local psychic and worked out complex math formulas which you put into a computer that generates sporting results. Well guess what? You’re still wrong. You’re wrong because the computer told you that the winner will be Florida, and there’s absolutely, definitely, incontrovertibly no way that the Florida Gators will repeat as National Champions (more on why later).

Fear not though, the Punchline is here to give you the advice you’ve been lacking. By following the guidelines I illustrate, you’ll be ensured of winning your NCAA pool and thus having bragging rights for an entire year. Be warned though: while my methods of filling out a perfect bracket are dead-on accurate, there is always an unknown percent chance that things could go wrong due to unforeseen circumstances, such as injuries or miraculous buzzer beaters or players calling timeouts when their teams don’t have any.

16^th Seeds: No #1 seed has ever lost to a 16^th seed so be sure not to pick Jackson State, Niagara, Eastern Kentucky, or Central Connecticut State to win any games. However it may be hard to pick Kansas too, because even though they are not a #16 seed, they have the spirit of one based on their recent NCAA performances.

12-5 Upset Specials: Just about every year, a 12^th seed will topple a 5^th seed. The trick is to figure which 12^th seed will do the honors. I recommend picking every 12^th seed so as to give yourself a 100% chance to get 1 or 2 out of 4 games correctly.

Gigantic Upset Specials: Every year, one huge upset shocks the college basketball world involving a 13^th seed or lower. I see Texas A&M Corpus Christi as that team this year because Texas A&M is a really good team, and the Islanders are basically Texas A&M except with extra words attached at the end. Some of you may argue that this is not a good way to predict upsets, but then you would be suggesting that there is actually a way to predict upsets.

Duke: As you probably know, Duke basketball is an evil program bent on destroying everything good in the world. Always pick against them unless you want other people to think you are a soulless maniac who likes to eat babies.

#1 Seeds: At least one top seed makes it to the final four every year, but never have all 4 top seeds made it to the final four in the same year. Therefore, be sure to cross out at least one top seed from making it to Atlanta. I’m not going to make any suggestions, but let’s just say that Ohio State plays in the Big 10. Again, I’m not suggesting which No.1 seed is weak. All I’m suggesting is to remember that Ohio State played in a weak conference and, in its two biggest non-conference games of the season, got crushed by UNC and Florida. But I have no idea which top seed could be ripe for the picking.

Nicknames: Early in the tournament, teams with cool nicknames like Salukis, Crusaders, or Zags have a lot of success. But after the Sweet Sixteen, teams with lame nicknames like Wildcats, Ducks, and Hoyas will triumph. This is a rule of thumb I have learned from years of watching the NCAA tournament and always works, unless you have no taste in school nicknames and think that Boilmakers and Fighting Irish are awesome names. Please!

Coaching: Coaching is what turns a mediocre team into a good team and a good team into a great team. For example, Texas Tech would merely be a mediocre team if it weren’t for Bob Knight’s ability to slap some sense into his players, literally. And North Carolina would only be a good team, not great team, despite all their talent without Roy Williams’s animated gestures on the sidelines to let his players know when they can daydream about the NBA and when they should actually play basketball. Then there’s Tubby Smith: he’s a one-of-a-kind coach who motivates his players to play as hard as possible every March by never letting them know for sure if he’s coming back next season.

Small Schools: Mid-majors will make their presence known in the tournament, but my friend Zach Parris wanted to know how low majors will do. Unfortunately low majors, high minors, mid-minors, and low minors will be unable to make any noise due to be vastly underrepresented for the umpteenth straight year. Come to think of it, they don’t have any representation every year. Somebody should try to stick up for them and call the NCAA out for snubbing those poor schools. I would do it, but I’ll be too busy watching the tournament.

Teams that will go far:

Midwest

Maryland—The NCAA Tournament is all about who’s hot at the right time. The Terrapins are red-hot right now because any ACC team that loses to Miami has to be red-hot in embarrassment.

UNLV—The Running Rebels will have early success because their nickname is cool but will also have late success because their nickname is lame too. It’s cool because Running Rebels is a unique name but lame because if you’re a rebel, then you should be fighting instead of running.

Wisconsin—Fatigue is an important factor late in games. The Badger’s style of play is so boring, it will likely cause their opponents to fall asleep.

West

Kansas—Because they’ll be playing a 16^th seed, the Jayhawks will definitely get out of the first round this season, and for them, getting out of the first round must be considered a deep run in the tournament.

Pittsburgh—Some teams may be able to lay the wood on their opponents, but only Pitt can lay the steel on their opponents. Everyone knows steel is tougher than wood.

Gonzaga—This year’s Zags team had to fight harder for their tournament berth and, as a result, is more battle-tested. Plus, they got rid of the only crybaby on their team last year.

East

North Carolina—The Tarheels will be prepared to stay in for the long haul and soak in as much tournament experience as possible to prepare themselves for life in the NBA next year.

Texas—Don’t be surprised if Kevin Durant seems a bit distracted during the UNC-Texas game; he’ll be busy juggling playing time and swapping draft notes with UNC players.

South

Ohio State—See Wisconsin

Albany—Long overshadowed by those loudmouths in New York City, Albany is going to show the world who’s really the capital of New York

Texas A&M—The Aggies plan on transplanting their 12^th Man tradition in football to basketball. I don’t care who has the most talent; twelve players will always have a huge advantage against five players.

Teams that will not make it far:

Midwest

Florida: Last year, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin wrestled the Gator mascot in an ESPN commercial. A few months later Irwin died. Coincidence? I think not. Fans will not be so forgiving of the Florida Gators and will boo them off the floor for their hand in Irwin’s tragic demise.

Notre Dame: All the players will be too distracted by Brady Quinn’s draft stock issues.

West

Holy Cross—Unfortunately for the Crusaders, they have a history of taking over a building but then losing it later.

Wright State—I looked on a map of the United States and couldn’t find a state named Wright anywhere. Wright State is pretending to be something they’re not and pretenders never get far in tournaments.

East

USC—The Trojans could face Texas in the second round, and we all know what happened the last time USC and Texas played.

Boston College—Early in the season, the B.C. dismissed their leading shot blocker for the season due to drug issues. This noble act of doing what’s right proves the Eagles aren’t serious about their athletics. Teams that don’t take sports seriously enough don’t do well in the postseason.

South

Tennessee—Trying to figure out which Tennessee coach will do something crazy next will prove too great a distraction for the players.

Louisville and Stanford—Both these teams will be completely confused about which team they’re actually playing for since they both have the same mascots although this issue could possibly be solved by watching game tapes of the Kentucky-Villanova west regional first round game.

Will You Be My Friend Again?

Recently, Alex Rodriguez bemoaned the fact that he and Derek Jeter aren’t the friends they used to be. He claimed “You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over.” So, apparently, A-Rod and Jeter used to be close—real close—to the point that they were having heart-to-heart discussions about their feelings while eating cookies and drinking milk. I know I speak for many when I say that it’s a sad day to see two multi-millionaires unable to navigate the difficulties of life without straining a great relationship. In fact, I’m starting to shed tears over this news, crocodile tears, crocodile tears green with envy, green like the color of all the dollar bills those two players roll around in.

Because I am a caring individual who wants to see people be happy, I am going to lay forward some suggestions on how Rodriguez and Jeter can patch up their differences and start giggling together inside a bed cover once again. While I don’t promise that these proposals will produce positive results, I do promise that they will produce results of some kind. And let me add for reassurance that Donald Trump and Rosie ‘O Donnell took my advice and look how well it worked out for them.




1. The two can share Jessica Biel by agreeing to date her only on odd or even days. I am pretty sure Jessica Biel will have no problem with this arrangement either—but Justin Timberlake might.

2. They both switch to Alltel and enter each other’s “circle”.

3. A-Rod agrees to give a “tangible” portion of his enormous paycheck to Jeter in return for Jeter teaching him the secrets of his “intangible” baseball skills.

4. They can start showering together after games. That may lead to more sleepovers.

5. They can appear in an ad together where they eat at opposite ends of the same Snickers bar until their lips touch. Afterwards, they will want to rip their chest hair out, but since neither have any, they will just have to accept the fact that they have accidentally kissed and must now make up.

6. Go to Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie to ask for advice on how to repair a broken friendship.

7. Jeter agrees to actually stick up for A-Rod once in a while in the media as long as A-Rod consents to curing his sensitive psyche by going to Ozzie Guillen for de-sensitivity training.

8. Jeter finally sees eye-to-eye with A-Rod and declares that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is a better movie than Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

9. The two side with George Steinbrenner and realize that no matter what hardships occur during the baseball season, it is definitely Joe Torre’s fault.

10. A-Rod wants Jeter to stop hitting him so hard during their pillow fights.

11. Jeter requests that A-Rod stop using so much perfume because it completely overpowers the odor of Jeter’s cologne during batting practice.

12. Both suddenly receive the epiphany that things could always be worse: they could be playing for the Kansas City Royals.

13. At the next World Baseball Classic, they agree to both hold out until the last minute over which country they will represent in the tournament.

14. They will use Barry Bonds and Mark Sweeney as a model for how a perfect friendship should be like

15. They seek marriage counseling.

The World’s Best Super Bowl Preview

Now that we have all the pretenders out of the way, let the REAL event begin: Super Bowl commercials! Complementing all those great commercials will be a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears (Da Bears). If you are ignorant about this game, and want to know more, then just turn on ESPN this week and you will soon become an expert about every member of the Colts and Bears. By the end of the week, you can probably impress your friends by spitting out facts about every players’ or coaches’ greatest fears, first kisses, most recent arrests, etc. This will make you really cool too and get you lots of dates. Coming from me, you know it’s got to be true.

But most people, unlike me, have a life and don’t have time to sit through hours on hours of Super Bowl coverage. So as a public service, I’m going to highlight all the plotlines that make Super Bowl XLI (Extra Large Intestines) the most interesting Super Bowl ever, in terms of hype.

1. Peyton Manning—Can he finally win the Big One? For years, the critics have lashed out at Manning for being a statistical god in the regular season but always falling short in the postseason. But now that he’s finally made it to the Super Bowl, Manning can relax knowing that one more victory will stop all the Dan Marino comparisons. Although there will always be questions about who’s the better actor. I give the edge to Manning because his bad acting in those cell phone commercials is so much more entertaining than Marino’s bad acting in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

2. The Soul Bowl—For the first time in history, both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! In case you didn’t quite catch the significance of that, let me repeat it: both head coaches in the Super Bowl are black! Don’t worry if you forget that piece of information as I’m sure the game announcers will remind you every 5 minutes. And while I think it’s awesome that two African-American coaches will be dueling in the Super Bowl, let’s not forget the other historical angles about this game. Like how we have the two whitest quarterbacks in Super Bowl history (Peyton Manning and Rex Grossman), the first quarterback named Manning in Super Bowl history, and the most well-armed individual in Super Bowl history (Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson).

3. The Rex Factor—Due to the inconsistent play of Chicago’s starting quarterback Rex Grossman, most Bears fans are still uneasy about their team’s offense. Fortunately, I came from the Lovie Smith school of rationalization so repeat after me: The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. The Bears are 2-0 in this year’s playoffs with Rex Grossman. See how effectively that works? It’s like they always say: “if you repeat a misleading statement enough times, people will almost start to believe it.” Almost.

4. The ’85 Bears—You may have heard about this team. They went 15-1 in the regular season and won the Super Bowl. Every Bears team from then on has been compared to that immortal squad, and I frankly think that’s unfair because times have changed. For example, the ’85 Bears created their own Super Bowl Song, but teams today aren’t nearly as creative—probably because all acts of creativity in the NFL results in a $10,000 fine nowadays. And probably also because drug use has gone down in the league.

5. Return to Miami—The last time the Super Bowl was held in Miami, Atlanta Falcons defensive back Eugene Robinson was arrested the night before the game for soliciting sex from an undercover cop. Nobody wants to see a repeat of that embarrassment so expect everyone to be on their best behavior. And if somebody does happen to step out of line, they can just ask former Miami Dolphins Head Coach Nick Saban to act as their attorney. That guy really knows how to handle public relations.

6. Game Plans—Last year, the Pittsburgh Steelers drew up some nifty trick plays to help win the Super Bowl. Their opponents, the Seattle Seahawks came up with a clever game plan involving horrendous clock management and Jerramy Stevens dropping open passes. I look forward to similar ingenuity from both the Colts and Bears this year, like Adam Vinateri missing a key field goal or Rex Grossman leading an 80-yard touchdown drive. Those would totally throw the other team for a loop.

7. Run, run, run—A huge question mark looming over the Super Bowl is which Colts defense will show up: the one that gave up 100 or more yards rushing every game in the regular season or the one that has held every opponent in the playoffs to under 100 rushing yards? The Bears better hope Indy doesn’t stack eight men in the box because that’s the surefire way to stop the run. And since stacking eight men in the box would force Rex Grossman to throw the ball, that’s probably the Colt’s best bet.

8. Officiating—Last year’s Super Bowl was marred by questionable calls, and if you ask Seahawks fans, it cost their team the game. Hopefully, this year’s game will be more impartial, and judging by earlier playoff games, I say both teams will get equally shafted. And people should go easier on the referees anyways; with coaches like Marty Schottenheimer challenging even correct calls, why should referees try their hardest to make the correct ruling on the field?

Final Prediction: Colts 21, Bears 21, Adam Vinateri 3

Back!

Hello, everyone The Punchline is back on! Sorry about the last two months--the new version of blogger didn't transfer my blogs and I couldn't figure out how to recover my blogs to edit them. But now everything's back to prime working condition, and I look forward to another fantastic year in providing you in-depth sports coverage Punchline-style. Once again, I apologize for the delay between articles and promise this won't happen again. Feel free to send me e-mails yelling at me for my incompetence.


Sincerely Everyone,

James Li

Happy Holidays!

As 2006 winds down, I want to take this time to thank everyone who has supported The Punchline. I especially want to give a special shout-out to Zach Parris and Stuart Day for their input and feedback that helped to shape my articles. Let's all hope for a fantastic year of sports in 2007 and the continued growth of this blog. Spread the word!

Also, if you haven't noticed, I have started a new blog called Invisible Line. Unlike The Punchline, Invisible Line will be less frequently updated (I'm thinking one every 1-2 months) and deals with serious issues that may or may not be sports-related. Currently the new blog has only two articles but more will come. If anybody finds any particularly galling subject in world news, don't hesistate to ask me to rant about it. And please e-mail me or leave comments if you have any suggestions, praise, or criticism of The Punchline either. In fact, I would appreciate more feedback of any sort because this blog is for you, the readers, and I want to make it as interesting as possible.

Finally, I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's. Have fun but remember not to drink and drive (like J.J. Reddick).